Uknow My Life

- (A day without you - 182t/m187) I wasn't born to be

2010-03-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

There will be an incoming fairytale story that i have in my mind, today i just saw someone writing about it, when i thought about the past about the fairytale stories i know it will ended up with a happy ending. But i also have mine fairy tale... after all mine also has a ending but a drama... so i hope i will post up. That we can enjoy my own fairytale..

I wasn't born with a golden key and also not livin in heaven. I just fought everyday against my own hell! Is it difficult? yes it does...

- (A day without you - 176 t/m 182) Don't be so dumb

2010-03-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

190310 Dumbass

- (A day without you - 165 t/m 175) Even when the stars falls

2010-03-12T03:31:00.000-08:00

From today on, i really want to stop with blogging. But i didn't...
I should be really disapointed after hearing a lot of stories even i know some of them are true and when they are lies. Because i could feel it and see it.

I should be really hard and stand up...but i couldn't.

I always told my self, no matter what happens, even when the stars falls i would never let you go. I know i'm really stupid and dumb. Even i know what's playing behind the scene. But everyday i just dream and thought about you and i.

Even i know things that make me really disapointing and sad. When ever when ever i would wake up again.

- (A day without you - 163/164) Is that truth?

2010-02-28T10:01:00.000-08:00

When i know you wasn't at there, i know my heart was missing you. Until you came back, i'm still missing you. Even there are a lot of things happened, i could put it away. And live like in the past. So i did want to ask you be that happy like in the past. Forget all those things what these several months happened.

Why it is no more the same, is it because you changed your mind of thinking. Or you already have something that keeps you in interesting. Tell me the things like in the past you told me, its hard to get inside your heart. I often has many question marks on my head.

I didn't feel or felt anything for someone, but it is sad to see things happened like these. At the same moment i was really happy. The fact is, i couldn't feel the changes.

What can we put in the 4 dots. . . . . Y O U - L O V E - M I S S - N E E D -

Is it a new beginning or i'm just seeing a drama...Is it truth?

- (A day without you - 150 t/m 162) Hard to believe

2010-02-27T05:49:00.001-08:00

Is it still the same, or it already has changed...

Is it still the you and i...

Because i just feel the same...

- (A day without you - 147/148/149) Getting further to write

2010-02-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

Really not enjoying now, also feel really bad. But need to go further. I didn't write for a long time but i need to start it again. I did buy something that it suppose to be really happy...

I will starting tomorrow...

- (A day without you - 143/144/145/146) .....

2010-02-11T07:50:00.000-08:00

- (A day without you - 140/141/142) Snik snik

2010-02-07T13:56:00.000-08:00

...

- (A day without you - 138/139) Like i lost something in my life...

2010-02-04T13:33:00.000-08:00

These two nights i couldn't sleep well, it was really heavy to fell asleep. It was also a really hard slap for me. I still could feel it on my chest. I still thought about why could this happen. I still don't know what happened.

Its like my head is on the ground by knowing nothing. Is this really the end or the final destination for me? I thought everybody could live with it. Even we didn't talk, i just know she was still there. Until last tuesday when she really left. I felt she was gone.

UhUuuuh..... i just couldn't write it further.

- (A day without you - 136/137) I lose her...

2010-02-02T12:10:00.000-08:00

Today 02-02-10, i lose her. i was really proud about her. It hurts me really hard inside my heart, because she's gone now. This is maybe the most hardest clap i ever had. When i know i lose her i didn't drop any tears yet. I just know that i need to be strong and walk on.

Until when i took a shower, my eyes was burning. I keep my head up so the tears could dropped inside my eyes. But they were like a waterfall. The taste wasn't that salty, it was a bit sweet. I know my tears wasn't only pain, because i also feel the joy that i've made these times with her. A precious friend that was leaving me. She was close and near to me, until today that her protection isn't here anymore. I would like to say something on my blog.

My heart did break, but also will heal up after few months.

This blog i wrote for her, not many people have read this reallife story. I know not much of them did read everything. But i'm down that things already end today. I know she did this because she wants me to walk further in my life. And also do this because we don't want to suffer anymore. I wasn't mad, i was just mad on my self. If i know this was the end...i already didn't start it.

I just couldn't accept that it is already end up. I have no power anymore to protect her and helping her. I just hope that any friend could take care of her. Because most of her friends are trustable. But also see friends that she accept are just bad people. I didn't judge i just know. Just gave her tips open your heart and eyes to see who they are.

And also hope that she could protect herself and taking care. But if one day she really needs help, i will be also there. I just understand friends no need to talk, no need to have fun, no need to see. Because even she left, she is always my precious friend in my heart. And that's already enough.

Honesty, i did hope everything went well. I didn't hope that things would go back like the past. I just want to be her friend. Chillin and having fun and next to that i hope that i could help her with school. I didn't mention to let her feel like i want something back. I just want the time past by us. And showing the real me. I have regret, that i f*cked everything up. I did ask kind of friends how she was doing, because i really do care about things how it was going.

I didn't want to show i was irritating.It was a shock when i saw things happened like this. I didn't even expect things would happened to this stadium. I know the pain will be here, i just need to work with it. I even don't know if things will be allright.

But i'm a strong someone, even the changing of my self didn't reveiled what she want to see. Even i couldn't speak, see or feeling her. She will be always in my heart. Maybe this is not the moment, our life is still a long road. Thinking clearly is we all do.

Girl, i wish you the best! and hope all the things will go very well!

- (A day without you - 133/134/135) Sad and down

2010-01-31T05:21:00.000-08:00

At the day of today, i still don't know what the problem is. I already didn't tell or ask anything to someone else. I just explain the situation how it was. Its really sad that i made to this situation.

The day of yesterday i didn't sleep. So my comp was open. I still thought about what kind of things went wrong. I do accept everything things she said to me, even it hurts. I also accept it what she wants me to do, but in my heart i really didn't want to say yes.

I hope that i got another chance to talk or speak. I really want to know what the cause is. Even i got hit, yelled or scold. I really don't mind. Than i will die by knowing the accident.

I'm not mad, i'm just mad of myself and down. Doing things that i didn't know what wrong is. I know i did many of them. But i think i left one behind that i didn't solved.

I did talk to her yesterday, but it didn't came far. She went off or blocked i don't know i hope not, i just hope one day she will want to tell. Often people could decide how they feel, i could be happy walk around. But this is different, i do care about her it doesn't matter how she's changing.

Just let me know, if she wants to talk one day. I didn't want to gave her the pain in her heart. And showing my self is the worst guy in this world.

- (A day without you - 132) One more step...

2010-01-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

Today short and brief, i have one last thing to do...and its time. I hope it will be positive otherwise i take my own step.

- (A day without you - 131) There is words that could "hit" negative or positive

2010-01-27T05:53:00.000-08:00

Today at home i speak to that girl at msn, she clicked me on msn. So we talked a bit, and i also talked about that part of text on her blog. The text that i had describe on my own blog yesterday.

Read preface blog to know what i was telling about. But at the end of the preface blog i said she didn't know the answer why she is feeling like that(lonely and emptiness). After all i did gave an answer on her question its also standing in my preface blog. Because we lost something in our life, that's the one you love or beloved.

When you're alone, there is ofcourse a lot of great friends that gave you a lot of support. They are nice, great and fun. And in this case between friends and you is the word "love" different from the "love" that you love someone. Like everyday when i'm alone sitting behind my chair you often will think about how great it was. I already told that was the happiest time in my life.

So i told her, she said you're exactly right. She did know the answer but didn't want to explain too clear in the blog. It's hard to tell, but its also happy if we could express and confess it. So she did feel the same, and i did say her words.

It was an interesting part of text of her, because i did feel like her. She told me we are like dogs trustable and attached to the one we are loving. That's why things are difficult to let it flew away, we know where we are and we know what we need. There's no fault to being like this, but there are just less on this earth.

Back to my own story, even we know what to say or to describe. Some of the words are maybe really irritating to hear or say...but if we think deep about it kind of words did hit me or you. And than we start have tears. It could be positive or negative.

Often we think we couldn't lose, because its hard. But something i did want to lose that's something for the one you love. That's we are still going on with our life.

I know finally what to do, even it was taking a bit long i mean 2 weeks? i just don't want to see things going like this. Often people will think that something isn't clear or i don't understand. But i do, and we also have one life to live. Everyone is going to die one day...why do you not find your own happiness!

The world isn't perfect, there are a lot of confrontations. But we are still living further... even there are confrontations, there is also peace. It's just the fact you want to accept it or not...

- (A day without you - 130) Miss it, but scared...

2010-01-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

Today i read a blog, there was a part about how the girl was feeling at this moment. But i will describe it on my own words, maybe it does mean the same. But just telling my point of view. There was something about: We have lovely friends and family in our life, maybe its everything what we need at this moment.

But sometimes we feel we are lonely, like there is no love or being loved. Just feel the emptiness, we could feel that inside our self. But in her part of story she tells she didn't know why.

The answer i know, and its not difficult to answer. Because often i feel the same. Do you ever have the same feeling. In the beginning when we didn't start a relation. I could live very happy, but is that really happy its real. But there is something that could make us more happy and that is found our love or to beloved.

Maybe there are a lot of fights, at the other side there are still a lot of fun. Anyway if we love eachother there's nothing that couldn't be solved. But when i met her...i know that was the most happiest time in my life. That i wouldn't let her go anymore.

After all we broke up. That's why we couldn't feel the real happiness anymore. We are happy but that is only the word happy. The real happiness is finding someone you love or beloved. That's why there is always emptiness in our heart. We often ask who we are, because we lost controll by the word love.

I also know the girl broke up her relation, but i also know that she wants it back. Even she didn't show or say. But it doesn't feel great.

Today i saw her online on msn, i did want to click on it. I just missing it because there are several days we didn't speak. I also want to know how her week was, or how she is going, or she did something great these days, how is it going with school. That is really cold the past days etc...and also want to ask did she buy a phone yet.

Remembering these things are normal. Most of them didn't show but it doesn't tell they are not thinking like that.

I know things are difficult to feel, to do, to read or even to talk. But the day will come...

- (A day without you - 129) Since the beginning...

2010-01-25T13:54:00.000-08:00

Since the beginning it was already the fault of my self, i really shouldn't start to talk with her best friend. About to make it allright. I know many things should go by them self. Its like everybody was forcing her to take her step. But i'm now talking it about the past. I shouldn't do many things.

Until now its already too late, even i know what to do it has no use. Kind of things i bring it too far...First i want to explain things why i talked to them. At the beginning i did think about that i should get another chance and also know her bestfriend has the same feelings like me. Ofcourse we want both of us to make things allright.

I did want to know how she's was thinking i did have hope, i really do...i also was really happy hearing little things about her. At the end it wasn't the ending that i want. It does hurt, but i didn't mind because i know we could still be friends to know more about eachother. Nobody knows the future.

We did have 5-6 times? a great conversation or was really happy about things. But in the time i did learned a lot...I know i'm childish, it's more jealousy i think. So i was disliking things that i don't like or don't want to see. After all it was also a bit restriction for her, because she knows that i don't like. But at this time i know i should give her all her freedom. That's the way i should respect her.

I know the last 10 months happened a lot and a lot of unhappy things or even a little of happy things. But i know she also gave me a lot of chances to really see who i was. But in that time i was upgrading my self by any problem that we had. I could resist what she did to me, why i couldn't do that for the others. I missed all the chances, because of my self...i really could hit myself.

And sometimes i did talk to her bestfriends, i wouldn't lie. I would talk about our things...but its not the way what she thinking. Its ABSOLUTELY not painting her black and we all know. We all know how she is and i also know, when i was telling(i did have tears in my eyes, i know maybe its wrong or hard to tell. In my heart i hope things would go better. How they would bring over to her how it is.) Its the way because of my self that have bring things so far, that kind of things couldn't repair. Honestly, her bestfriends didn't tell things about her because they are thinking neutral(That's the way i also want) and also i want to explain how the situation is. They know what they need to keep secret and what to say or not, because they are besfriends forever! I also didn't force them to say anything. They just gave me opinions how they are thinking. They are totally trustable!

Maybe she thinks that i still have something, i do, i couldn't hide or lie about it...but i just want that she won't think different in me than the others. Like i said many times i know love isn't a fault is just the way how we handle it.

Last two weeks i did think about many things. Maybe she will think why she do cares about what i'm thinking. I do care about her what she didn't like. It's because i also want to be like a friend or as a normal person. I did block one of her besfriend...like for 3 months i really don't know anymore.

But after so many incidents i have learn more and more. It was heavy, i just get over it...i should be treat them like friends and i did unblock all these things. I know kind of things are still awkward...but we still need to talk once.

I know she wouldn't see the things what i did behind her back. I know she just see how i'm or do...but i know many of them seeing me changing. I did do a lot, i also experience a lot...I know i did many wrong things, that really hurts her. I know...i do have regret what i've done.

At the end i know what i did wrong, i also try to make things all right. Many people in this world aren't perfect. But they just need to know where the fault is. I know, i'm just sorry to her. I did want to tell her everything every day what i've done, but there was no chance. Or i just screwed up for my self again, that i don't have the guts to tell.

Yesterday i was really unhappy, some of my friends telling me that i should up and leave or find another love but they dont understand im addicted to you. I often think about the happy times that we had. Even its killing me, but i could be proud about it. Like saturday i was really happy to see her, but unhappy to see things that goes like that.

Until now i'm still a bit scared and ofcourse still really busy with school. But i did still want to talk to her, but didn't know how to start. Its already 12 days...i hope i did could tell these things to her what i wrote above. I do miss her a lot...i just can't hide it for my self. If you love someone you could accept everything from them. I really could do...

I didn't ask for any forgiveness, i just want that she could see me that i've changed. There is ofcourse still things that i could do better. I'm still learning and experience about a lot of things.

So i was just hoping that things would be allright, i know there are less of time left...

- (A day without you - 127/128) Uknown

2010-01-24T09:32:00.000-08:00

As i thought yesterday wasn't that bad. It was fun, only one thing is...awkward between her and me. We were having fun being our self, but there was still something in the area.

I know i wasn't that great to her or even a hateful person. In my heart she is still that beautfill cute girl. It really doesn't matter how she treats me. Even deep inside i feel pain and a lot of unhappiness, how she treats me. It's not her fault, like i said i have bring this to this stadium...

Maybe i look like i changed a lot, but my heart didn't change. I'm just showing more the side of my self. I know maybe its hateful to see things that we never saw before. I know people is changing in any stages. We will acclimatize it...

Most important thing i really don't know why that she needs to treats me like that. I just want to talk to her, i really want to know what the cause is or what the problem is playing behind.

I would never be mad and i know i really want to talk to someone. I know she don't like it, but its not because i really want it. I do want to talk by her self. I only want the chance to talk. It's already 10 days, we didn't have conflict for so long...

I'm sorry for her that i often make her unhappy like this, i'm also sorry for being like this or doing the wrong things. I know we all experience a lot...Yesterday i did try to go to her, but she went away when she saw me coming.

I was unhappy, i know she is not like that. I'm an open person for critics, even i got yelled or slapped i will feel more happiness, than knowing noting. Time is still going on i don't want to lose the time to being unhappy for both of us.

How unhappy you are, i'm there always to talk.

Let the uknown be solved soon!

- (A day without you - 126) I'm scared...

2010-01-22T17:45:00.000-08:00

I'm scared to lose this relation between her and me. It was never like this, even she was mad it won't take so long. She will reply something back, but until now there's nothing that i received.

I really don't mind how she treats me, even the last time i got no respect. But i didn't mind i thought she was mad, than she will say everything what it comes to her mind. But until now today i'm scared.

I'm scared to ask why, i'm already scared to click her on msn. It's not that i don't want to click. I just don't want to see the same words that she said to me. I just don't want that she hates me. I really don't know how she feels... and what the cause is?

I did hope it will be ok, but after sending two times messages and still didn't receive anything i already know its a bad sign. It didn't feel great because it happened to this stadium.

The whole week i did think about it, i did try to concentrate for my exams. But just still didn't know why she said that. Am i already that low for her?

Tomorrow there is a party, i really want to go happily. But at the other side.....i just don't know how to say. I'll be strong, i know there is still some weakness. But i'll get over it.

I'm just a loser and failure that is happening to like this, but i would stand up once i'll be a winner. GOD is there another road that i bring everything be ok?

- (A day without you - 125) Got hurt..but it's ok

2010-01-20T15:03:00.000-08:00

Its already 1,5 week ago that we had a conflict. But i thought it was over, since yesterday i don't know what happened. It happened things that hurt me...even it was only words. We did have a little conversation, but it didn't end too well.

I don't mind when i got hurt, i could live with the pain. The pain is still there because i really don't know why, why she is doing like this? I already ask but i didn't have an answer yet. Its already 8 days, often after 3 or 4 days she will be ok after a fight.

I did think about did i do something wrong last few days, nothing i could remember or do is say something? If i did i would like to say i'm sorry and make it allright again. Did i have a conflict with the others, i don't think so...?

But this time its like really serious i know she is mad. Because there wasn't things happened that i would think we will have another conflict. I really want to know the cause...Or does she still stuck with the problem, i really hope that she will reply me or answer me.

I know i wouldn't like to see this way, its getting more extreme... I know i have bring this to this stadium, but i didn't want too. If there's something i could do or repair it. I will...do anything.

Saturday there is another party i don't want to be awkward, i didn't know what i've to do. Just hoping one more day that i could receive something back. I'm not mad i just want to know the cause and why? that's all...

- (A day without you - 124) Memories in Januari...

2010-01-20T05:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i missed things very much, especially the times i have been with her. Like kind of things or some memories will jump up in my mind. Don't you guys have the same feelings? Like things that she gave me, when i'm using them or seeing it. It always will brought some memories back.

I think if you don't have that feelings means that you don't really care about it anymore. Like simply a sweater. Or a bracelet etc. just could bring so many things back when you see them.

I'm missing it badly, sometimes you want to have something to replace it...because it is to difficult to have that feelings but at the other side its something precious. I didn't mind to remember it, but just gave you the feeling to say or do stupid things, because you want something back.

At the end we could controll our self. Even it was hard to do. When i'm starting this new year in 2010 like i was falling back to 2008. In januari did happened a lot of great things when i remember that in 2008. Meeting the most beautifull girl in my life... Going out two times, things are still in my mind...even i couldn't tell exactly the same story. But most of the things i do remember is just hanging there.

I couldn't compare it, 2010 was a great starting and until now it did happened things that i'm not that proud over it. I did try to fix, but .... i don't really know. 7 days

Haha i still remember the questions. Did you know how i was looking for the first day that i met you, or what we did at the first day. And where we met...etc.

At this moment i know it...its always the time when you lost something. You will finally know what it is. So this is the specials that i want to share today, but i'm keep going on.

Missing things, Missing times and Missing you!

Artist: Stevie Hoang
Song: Can't stop

- (A day without you - 123) Stoned....

2010-01-19T07:23:00.000-08:00

Stoned means at this subject, its like i stuck in the middle. It's already six days... Anyway maybe there is nothing or maybe there is something. I have no rights to change anything. If she's feels great than its ok.

But these stones will be also for a while on my chest. Its not that heavy but also didn't feel great. Gladly that dreams could take some pressure away. Dreams dreams and dreams some of them wouldn't like to stand up.

I know i did many things wrong in these 2 years. Remembering and also moving on... I just left onething that i also want to get it back. It's also a thing that i've drop my first tears. Tears of joy/happiness.

Learning and experience a lot.

Somewhere i read something: "Beauty captures attention, personality captures the heart" I did think about is it true? Or i still need to work harder for my personality.

Everybody works to be succesful, its not that i want to be a failure.

- (A day without you - 122) Didn't know where the end is...

2010-01-18T06:38:00.000-08:00

Another day has gone, thinking clear, thinking bright... that we all should do. Like messing up things, conflicts, hating or fighting. Let it all behind for a while.

Sitting behind my screen, thinking about the things last time. Thinking about the things i made. Also thinking about the things that i've heard. At this moment i did ask, did we ever hope or want something. Yes we do, that's why we are livin for it.

There's is a girl, she's(that girl) writing her(that girl) blog really personally i think. A lot of rude words or crazy things. I did ask my self shall everybody be like her(that girl) to express those things. I did feel we are a bit same. I mean not by looks/style or whatever. But something she(that girl) describes i thought i feel the same. But that happens to many people. But she's(that girl) like strong from outside and soft from inside.

I didn't ask but when i read it i know it. I'm strong, but deepinside we could also be hurt. How strong we are. I just want to make everything all right. Everyday like there is something i didn't finish yet and it pricks on my heart. I know you know that feeling. I did wait for reply...i did wait for something.

I should let go kind of things being childish in many ways, i just need to take a step to get over the bridge. But many people are stubborn. I know from my self that i could...

I do really know how she's thinking, is just the way we miscommunicate. I know that's really spiteful. But one thing is for sure you wouldn't know things 100% from eachother...and also things could change in a day. Is just if we trust eachother 100%..But one thing couldn't change so fast is your heart. I don't know if it is changed or not. I just want to make everything all right.

Anyway my eye is still tipping, is just everytime when i know that something is going wrong. We all couldn't believe that, that is the reaction (eye tipping). But it doesn't feel great.

Back to the point "Where is the end". What does it mean the end by what...my life or anything what is happening. Everybody knows what they want to reach or has a goal. And thats the end for them. Or looking closer when will school be ended. Or something that's really bother us or them when will the fights stops! I know it will end, but its like we want to end it perfectly.

Something we know where the end is. Is just how to do... Will it goes like we want?

And kind of things there is no ending, because you need to work harder and harder to receive it. Do we believe in it. After we know what good or wrong is. Experience in our life is sure important. But doing the good way is more important.

At the end we will know where the end is.

=> One blog from her "The best feelings in the world"

I know many people made a lot happy times and really sad time in there relation. But if you could ask yourself, what was the most happiest feelings in the world. That's the LOVE... even she describes it by loving materials, family, friends etc...thats true. But the love you find or had that was the best. And i know she's still couldn't forget about when she blogged it on her blog. <=

- (A day without you - 121) Live with it...

2010-01-17T05:52:00.000-08:00

Situation - Problem - research - argument - advice/solution - result...
Its like a project arrangement, but it does help. I did wish 2010 it would be a great year. And i also set up intention for my self. I didn't whine about it how it goes or i didn't try to whine. Because i also don't have the rights.

But i do whine in my blog, i also want to talk. I also want a normal conversation. I also want to laugh. I also want to have fun. I also want to express my feelings. But why i'm the only one that couldn't do that.....why?

I thought a good guy will got respected. Or a guy with honesty will get his point back. But no nothing will work is just works opposite to my self. At the end i got be hated... i also didn't whine about it. Because i'm livin with it. Do i have a choice...

I also thougt it was fair in this world, but nothing is fair in this world. FAIR??? where is the justice that i need. Am i that hateful on being earth... I didn't do anything and i already know the problem, i did have arguments and also know what the solution is...but the result is just sad.

I know already know where the fault is, i know already that i was childish by kind of things. I just want to make her happy. I didn't ask anybody to gave my happiness back. I just thought who has think about me how i was feeling or if i was happy or not. I'm just doing things at the same that i also want to be happy. Is that already a restriction for me.

Everybody could have happiness or conversation with her, why is it excepting me. I already didn't request for anything. Is just i also want to be treat normal. I'm also a human with definitely 100% feelings. I have emotions, my heart will get hurt...i didn't show because i'm livin with it.

Lovin someone is not a fault, there is a lot of people lovin eachother. But is the way how we see it...and i do feel how it is going on. I'm just doing my things to make my self happy, i already didn't ask or search...I have one life to live.

I didn't gave anybody the debt, i just want they also understand me. That i'm also fighting for my self.

So i live with it...

- (A day without you - 120) Brains vs Heart...

2010-01-16T13:57:00.000-08:00

I want to have a short summary about today, i already know that i'm totally an another person, by that mean i know i already changed a lot. Last year 2009 i experienced lot of things. Like today i just heard from a girlfriend. About a girl that was starting a relation with a guy.

Its on school that girlfriend of mine could hang out really great with that guy. But that guy's girlfriend is really jealous, but she didn't show. She was just staring with eyes or is really quite. Than the girlfriend of mine ask us why she is so jealous. I just remember that i was also like her.

Is just the feelings in your heart, you think he/she is yours. But untill now i know it's wrong we need to give eachother freedom and happiness. So everybody need to experience it first in her/his life. I know, its a bit too late. But i'm glad i get the point now. It's painful to lost things in your life, i didn't appreciate what i have, i do but not maximum. Because when its gone, i have d*mn regret.

I saw her today, but we only said hi and bye. I was interest in her, but i didn't really show it at all. We didn't really talk, it was a bit strange. It's like example: if you don't know eachother but you like eachother we don't speak. But we will use our eyes to look. Another example is you treat the one as an enemy that's why we don't speak. I'm glad that i'm not the second example.

It's not i'm scared for her, but i do scared to do/ask something. Feelings...at that moment my left eye also tripped. It's not that i really believe in it or not. But i know what happen. But is just believe it or not.

It's like i didn't care about anything but my heart did tell me i care. But i didn't show, that's what our brain says.

Brains: feelings at the moment that you want to say...or you show or not. Like for exam you will use your brains to make it and not your heart. It didn't say anything about feelings. Why our heart have pain because our brains thought about the bad things.

Heart: Your heart will give you the right feelings. You really care or not, its your heart to decide. Does it feel better? Often when we are mad we are using our brains to think and bring the signal to our heart. But if we really want to know what we want first we are using our heart and bring the signal back to our brains.

I know if things could change it will be great...No more sense of shame, no more unobtrusive and scared. How great would it be...no hate, no more saddnes.. Everything would be the same?

My heart already live with it, like i said yesterdag in my blog. Why i need to go out with friends, because i need attention from friends or fun and happiness. Is that really what i want. I could say its fun, but thats not that i put it at first place. It is really fun and great...but my heart also told something.

When i closed my eyes and think about the future...when i opened my eyes and what i want to see.

I also wrote a letter, it was like 3 pages long. I did read it once again. It's all my feelings or expressions how i feel about anything. I did think i would send or post it up. But i just need to think about many things.

I know i'm still a bit childish about kind of things. But everytime i learned about it. I really could change. The time will tell me. I do care about, so i will adjust on things. So it will go better. I need to start grow up and need to do my best.

If i know something about her that hurts me, i'm ofcourse sad. Or there will be things i hate. The same situation if she knows about my feelings she would be mad? But in my heart, i was mad or hurted. But i'm glad after one day. I accept the fact why she is doing and know how she is. And the way i open my self to accept criticims.

And after all i know she really likes JJ lin's songs. I also do in the past, so i was searchin up for all the songs. So finally i have all of them. If i have a chance i'll gave to her.

One last thing... i didn't post titles of songs for a long time. So here you go a song for today.

Artist: JJ Lin
Song: Now that she's gone

- (A day without you - 119) Real feelings...

2010-01-15T16:22:00.000-08:00

2010 should be a great year or would be a great year. I just don't know yet, i do wait for miracles or happenings that could make me really happy. We are in half januari, there is things happened ofcourse. Not that great...i could say.

Anyway like something i would like to tell but something not. First i start to have feelings, what kind of feelings. Like my bro said " life is not always so perfect..live with it! ". Do you know what this sentence means to me, because i'm already livin with it.

I was really hurt in the past, if she's doing something that i feel hurt. At this moment i still feel it but at the same time i could live with it. There is a really good friend of mine also like my brother. He is always saying that i'm stupid or dumb or whatever. That i need to be wake up. But i'm wake up i just live with it.

Last time, it does hurt me with some kind of words. I also hate it...but after a day i could live with it, because i know its also my fault. That is like this...and i don't really know, i could accept it how strange. I would be more happy if i accept it.

The first thing is that i really don't want to make a conflict with her. We know we hate it, or she really hates it. I can feel it...i also sometimes got hurt when she says things. I couldn't hide my feelings. Is just still there i couldn't grab it out. When i got hurt ofcourse i hate it, not many people could work with it. But i do, i could accept it. I could feel normal again.

That is maybe the real feelings that i've left for her. Even at the moment i got hurt we are mad. But deep in our heart, just let it go. Because hating is something to make yourself really difficult. Especially for someone you did care about or still cares. Many things couldn't be happen in the same time.

But there is time, i also read... a piece of her text... She replied a girl "Time will tell". Yes time will tell everything. Instant we also could think about it. Its not the way how things go. Its the way how you want to go. Because only our heart can ask what he wants, so we can get the motivation and spirit back once again.

Honestly, i know i lost them... but i know i could find them back. Things could be easily get or also really hard. Is just if you want to work for it or not. Or accept things that are the facts. Or open yourself to accept the reality. There are many cases...

Anyway i told my feelings, change or not change... its all by my self. I told my self everyday i could live once in my life. I do what i want, i do what i want to get...

We know our truefeeling and no one else...

- (A day without you - 118) Respect?

2010-01-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

When we was young, we learned the word respect. Do we all have respect for eachother? Most of them think they have. But some of them didn't have...Or you think most of them didn't have?

I don't want to talk it too broad, like the peoples on street. Most people think they have respect for eachother, but they didn't have, they just got a big mouth. Screaming and yelling at someone, so he/she got scared from you. Anyway bordered this subject to a circle of friends.

Everyday i ask my self what is respect to my self. How your friends treats you. I know many of them they respect me. Even saying hi, i could treat this as respect. Example...theres a lot of friends. You say hi they will say hi back, but if you don't receive something back, does it mean he/she didn't have respect for you?

It will be a yes...because of what, another example...he/she will never search you up and untill one day he/she needs your help. Does it mean he/she has respect for you? Many things should be calculate first. Are you that important for that person, or is it just fake? Fake respect?

Does it exist, ofcourse it does... Many people wouldn't like or hear this b*llsh*t of mine. But this is what we everyday made. It is important in our life, it does say something about being friends. If they don't have respect for why should you give them back, are we thinking like that? You will only got used by them?

Anyway i already told you should calculate it first, who is she/he? Is she/he your best friend or someone you really care about. I know not many people in this world could die for someone who he/she really care or do they?

Everyday i want to learn everybody something what've made in my life. Few of them think that guy is already shitting stuff out of his mouth. But untill you understand what i'm saying i would be proud. Because respect is coming from your heart, and it doesn't says about any situation.

Like me i'm not perfect, when i'm angry or mad i wouldn't give any respect to a friend or whatever. That is a bit wrong... but i know we are not perfect, after all we'll think about it. Often i could be sad because i got no reply's or answers...so i would ask my self how important i'm for the one or them...

- (A day without you - 117) Wondering why song could be that strong

2010-01-13T09:51:00.000-08:00

In the preface blog of mine i already told that songs could means a lot. Like the songs "Addicted" and "I'm missing you" from Stevie Hoang are the two most greatest song for me. It's not only about the sound but also about the lyrics. It does say a lot... When you heard a song you will often think about things you've made right. But anyway just introduce these 2 songs.

But next to english there is also great korean songs, even it is singing in korean. But we can also check the lyrics. Like the boyband 2PM they are great they make great music with nice lyrics. Like "Heartbeat" Do you know that song already. Great Lyrics!

Anyway you should check by yourself:
Lyrics: http://caluvminwoo.blogspot.com/2009/11/2-pm-heartbeat-lyric-and-translation.html

And they made another great single called: Tik Tok
Also a great song with nice lyrics, if it says about you or you feel the same like in the lyrics said just download it.
Lyrics: http://innercharm.blogspot.com/2010/01/2pm-feat-yoon-eun-hye-tik-tok-lyrics.html

Express there feelings in there song, i just feel it...that's why it's so great right.
Emotional for the win!

I shouldn't make it too long for today, 2 days ago...i could wrote my own song about the phone that i used with great memories. Ofcourse you get through many things...with that cell phone. That's why i still use him next to my new phone.

I'm glad she's not mad anymore. Or mad ofcourse there's a bit, it will be ok. I'm someone that wouldn't get mad easily. Just need to have my days. Anyway i go back to work...Tomorrow anotherday!

- (A day without you - 116) The word "sorry"

2010-01-12T14:45:00.000-08:00

First i want to ask everybody a question. Many people would like to have someone that is really honest to you. It's great right? In the past i wasn't that honest to people who i really cares, but its not big problems that i need to hide, but just little things that it became to a big problem and also end it up.

So from now on i used to be honest to most of the people. So we can express our self how we think. But there also disadvantages. I really need to think about it now, every thing what i need to say or not. But just choose for honest. I'm not that glad because i hurt someone again with my honesty. I didn't supposed to do that. I just want to show my honesty.

I know hiding and lying wouldn't be great, so i said it. After all it also went wrong, but i didn't mention to hurt anybody else. Especially you still care about someone. Anyway so i apoligize...

Back to the word "sorry" ik now many people wouldn't like to hear this word. It means that you do something wrong. But everything could be see in different ways. I say this word because i know i'm wrong. In the past i always use that word, even i didn't know where the fault is, but she learned me to never use that word when i don't know where the fault is.

"Sorry" could also be used if you really care about someone. Would you easily say this word to someone you don't care. I mean normally at street when you hit someone you will say sorry at that moment you just thought i just hit her/him so i need to say. But in you're heart wouldn't be caring in you're heart for the first place. Is just because you're polite.

Anyway if you really care about someone you will use that word by using you're heart. This word is really important. Saying sorry by not using you're heart is just a trash word. So i really want to say it once again i'm sorry, i really didn't want that. It's because honest also has his disadvantage and lying would be even more worser i think.

But every time i learned...I did think about it...

I just want to see her smile...

- (A day without you - 115) Angry day

2010-01-11T07:53:00.000-08:00

It have to come out, everybody has his/her line for being angry. So i do, WTF if you talk about somebody, you are already mad. Especially if you talk about me if you know nothing about me... So shut your f*cking mouth or i slapped it close for you!

Wow that's not supposed to be my language, but there are people that could make me that crazy there aren't a lot. Telling me what to do, telling me who i'm...are you crazy or something to judge me who i'm. Than you're messing with the wrong guy.

Eat shit! though...

I don't know how people could be friends with that kind of person, wannabe friendly wannabe nice... when i talk to that guy, i already know he is a hypocrtical person. I judge not with my own eyes also with my heart. You're that shit kind of people that is trying to judge me. When you know nothing about me.

I could went crazy and hit him. But i know what to do. Concentrate...think about everything, i respect someone that i wouldn't do those things. One day i know she will see it. I'm mad, but i don't want to put me that low with that kind of person be eminent.

That someone could say that i'm fake, than you didn't know me! It does really make me crazy...Go judge your own family and friends and not me!

- (A day without you - 114) I don't like to lose...

2010-01-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

Like everyone knows me, i become stronger and stronger. First i still scared about to say something untill it have too. But from now, i became stronger than ever. I don't like to lose...

In many things i don't like to lose, if i failed or didn't made it. I would never gave up on something that i want. Many things we could share and i could. But kind of things we couldn't. Does give up really exist in my heart...or it never exist. I just will fight back, even i couldn't win something back.

Anyway in my life i didn't have many enemy. But i do have i'm sad to have one...but it couldn't change we are not all perfect. I could be really friendly nice, i could do everything if you know what i want. But if you're doing totally the opposite than you know everybody would go crazy. And i do...You need to be really sad to make me as an enemy.

You don't know what kind of friend i'm. My life is grow up in a single family, there's no one here that could helped us. Than we all know we fight for our self. Even i was a weakling even i get hurted. After all i stand up and hit you twice back. My heart isn't black i know what to do and not to do...I respect things, but in my heart it still burning.

Knowing what wrong is and you still do it. Than you got problems...GOD bless me in this world and he didn't make it perfect. I have goals and targets that's why i'm still standing here to tell you this.

I hate losing, especially in many cases...if it goes too far, i go far too~!

- (A day without you - 113) Who someone is?

2010-01-09T13:52:00.000-08:00

Last Christmas vacation, we all met new friends. So i met a guy i thought he was allright nice and etc... he also became friends with the others. I thought ok...I already said in this world is full of cruelty we wouldn't know 100% how people think, especially the people that they are not honest and try to be really friendly.

Anyway i heard a story today, its not a story its a true happening. We always ask our self if we are going out with the right people. Many people know with what kind of persons they are. But most of them couldn't see it.

So this was the story about... i never called names on blog. Because kind of things are privacy... When i heard the story i thought how could you do that, or omg what kind of friends do you have.

So the whole story is about that guy, it already gave me a bad sign... First he ask a date on a girl, but the girl didn't accept yet. Because she wants to know if it was serious. But that guy told her it was serious. The girl waits and didn't say anything yet. Untill yesterday when they are on a party. That guy was kissing with another girl... you think its not a big problem? WTF!!!

I will say WTF first you are asking a girl for a date and after that she didn't answer he is kissing with another. That's already one problem.

The second problem is... That girl that he was kissing, was a girl that someone already like. A friend of that guy. How could you do this to your friend when you already know that he likes her. Unbelievable, how far guys could go.

First he likes that girl and on the other side he likes another. Than i think that guy is really bad(a player). Maybe in this century guy could be like this. But i'm absolutely not like him/them. How serious are boys in love relations or liking and loving. They don't F*cking know... how pity...

There are less of goodboys walking around and taking girls seriously, i'm proud i'm not one of them. So i also got respected... and i know who i love. But this incident omg, first how could you be that player second you're stealing your friend girl infront of him. Wow its not only shaking, but kissing! hummm i know its none of my business, but they are also my friends.

How would you handle it, couldn't believe that kind of boys could be like that. First want to make impression on the girls that you're great. Acting or being very nice to them, and behind the scene he doing this kind of shit. Or whatever its not all his fault, that girl what he was kissing should be ashamed what she has done. Kissing?

I would say please say it first that you guys have witheachother, or tell us first what's going on. But this is like underground. And than they got covered by other friends.

Better be serious, than meet those kind of players...

- (A day without you - 112) doesn't matter how far....

2010-01-08T19:16:00.000-08:00

In our life we are animals with feelings and emotions, like today...last few weeks i dreamed a lot. About things what i care about. Ofcourse she was also in many dreams of mine, but you couldn't avoid it. Example: like comin next week you will have a vacation or exams. If you really care about it, it will come in your dreams right...?

Anyway i always dreamed about her. But dreams are comin by them self, so nobody could delete it in your mind or telling you what to dream. I'm also glad that i could see her in my dreams. Even there are bad and great dreams...i would be happy if i had the chance to see it or imagine.

Anyway it does makes sense on my topic of today. Today i saw my old friends, like friends that they were grow up with me. In the past we often play video games with eachother and sport with eachoter, in the past we are like brothers growing up together. But at this time we didn't speak at all, but our friendship feelings will never be gone or leave. We still having a great conversation telling about our life story.

We are always there for eachother even we didn't see eachother a lot. Because we are grown up people now, they have them own friends and own business. Like i do...

So i made a lot last few years, I will say even how far she is, or i couldn't speak and see her at all. My feelings would never change... Like i have for all my friends. Because that's the true relation or connection between us. By that it could be love & careness and etc...

I do care about a lot of things...

But like i said everybody has his/her own life. Would there be changing, we would never know. I just know how i'm feeling and i'm glad about it. Seeing things going well would be very nice...

- (A day without you - 111) Seeing through who someone is?

2010-01-07T13:16:00.000-08:00

Today just thought about the past, just comin by it self. Over 2 weeks i would like to get a new phone, so i watch at my old phone sony ericsson, haha this phone i'm most proud of it because its a great phone...because it also strive with me together through a lot of bad and Super Great Times!

So that phone i wouldn't give it away, there is also a lot of special memories in it. Anyway there was also one thing what was coming on my mind. I just thought about 2 years ago the summer with her nephew, that i had so much fun. Anyway it just stream in my head so why not to talk about it. It was great memories. Just remember it all the time.

Is just a opening for today, what i was happy about it. I would come back to the mainpoint of today.

Seeing through who someone is, this is a really difficult subject. Most people would accept you directly as a friend when you met them once. In my opinion i would say please watch it first with your own eyes and heart...The one you're meeting is not a friend you just know him or her for one day. You already accept the one? You didn't even know who he/she is, or where he/she come from. Or what her/his past is.

Being friends with the right people are most important. Just an example about my self, most people would accept any people when they just saw them for once, but that means that they are stupid they just want to be popular. So that's why people got stalked or get bothered by people they didn't even know. Or most extremely is that you got played by that person. How awfull right? Hate low peoples...

So back to the example, i would watch the one for a few weeks knowing more about who she or he is. So i could give a conclusion. You must feel higher than them, because its an honor to be friends with you...after you really know we could be friends, than we could act normal.

I heard some reallife cases, many people got played not only girls but also boys. But ofcourse there are more amount of girls. They didn't see it who they are, because maybe LOVE is blind and i know that. But seeing it with your heart and feel by yourself is most important. Do you know when you really care about the person. When the one is almost dying or when she or he at the most difficult moment. Will the one come and safe you...I would do

Anyway i also have a case about my self, first i do really hate what i'm seeing on facebook. All the things that i didn't like or at msn. But i just set free my self and also for her. I do know i really care about her. But i didn't want it to make more difficult for both of us. I just all the time thought about it how to handle. But i did found a way out...i do repect. And she did explain...because she also know what she's doing. She's growing up. So i just let her free to go on her way. And she would be more happy also to me. Gladly...Anyway that was my case...

Knowing people is about the time, maybe we couldn't see it for one year...or two years but after a few years you will know him/her. Kind of peoples you could be really friends with them in a month or half year...but you still need to know them better.

I'm an old school person, thinking too old... comparing with the new generation. A lot of them are so open. That's why i'm not going to party's i could say it was fun, it would be more great if you could went with your boy or girl. But i saw everybody touching eachother, is that the generation from now. I couldn't do that. But it was fun but it was an exception for once. Its about the dancing right and having fun...

Last a friend of mine got played by a girl. Ofcourse the guy got played. But LOVE is blind...at the end i don't know how it end up. But no more friends it would be a bit sad. I know there isn't 100% great people walking around.

At the end i want to say:
- Watch people longer than a day, first you want to accept them as friend. Maybe behind they have a goal.
- In the beginning put yourself higher than them if they want to know you. Because you're the one that is more special if they want to be your friend. So you can see who they really are...
- Watch it with your heart and not with your eyes...

I think most 3 important things...

Kind of people are so angry, you thought you know them well. But behind they are doing many stuffs. Awfull things...want to make you feel great or happy.

This is something that i want to share for today...Peoples are ego and that's not the best way. Thinking about the one you love and care...Respect is more important, than yourself in this way.
Hopefully you guys already know who i'm...especially want to let her know, that my honesty is always there for her.

- (A day without you - 110) A gift

2010-01-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

I already told you guys before that i had a gift... Just believe it or not. It did just happen once again. Like yesterday my left eye was tipping, because i was feeling something bads will happen. Its about her. But i did told her it will be ok, but my left eye told me that there is something will happen.

And it does happened...strange right. At the moment i was glad i could receive that gift from GOD...maybe people will think i'm just too into GOD and believing many things. But when it happened to yourself you will think wow, what happening? it's real.

I'm not that into GOD, but just believe that there is one...and could tell me kind of things that i wouldn't know or felt.

At the other side i'm glad that i could have that strong relation with her even i'm not at her side. I just could feel things. But i'm also scared, i wouldn't like to have that all the time. Than i know there is something bad will happen. Anyway today my left eye didn't tip anymore. Thank GOD...

Is maybe just how i feel if you were me, you will think the same. I'm glad that nothing really bads happen. From far away i could have the protection and would like to send it out.

I'm a bit different, but better be special than not...

- (A day without you - 108/109) Why people think about the past?

2010-01-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

Even i explain why we talking about "the past" for 10.000 times. It's still interesting...don't you think? There is a feeling, an hidden feeling...that is coming out once again. Like the month January, i could still remember.

Most people would bring back there stories or memories. When they feel great, or when they are at the places that they were. Will something really take over the great times? or even better than the past?

Do we miss it, or we are just people who's lookin for something news. Could it replace it? That is also a confusing point in our life. Many people would just rush through his life without thinking about the past. Because they think it will be easier...

Kind of people would just stand still...etc etc The past is letting us know...the history, will we leave the past behind our back? I just thought is great to remember it...

We all know what we want, but we didn't choose yet or is just too difficult to choose. That's why people comparing the past with the future. Because we want the best...

And you can only do that by feeling it...

I already know do you know it...

- (A day without you - Special) Appreciations from the past

2010-01-03T11:45:00.000-08:00

First i want to tell why i'm writing this down, is not to get attention from anybody else. Like i said we are just holding a diary but just another manor to write down. So lets start it...it would be a summary from my scription of 2009.

Explaining why 2009 is a bad year or a bit negative year. First most important thing is ofcourse the broken relation. When it broke up it was really heavy for me, because it also the first time for me to have a relation. And at the same time she was the greatest girl i met in my life and she still is. Its also very special to me its like love at the first sight. Not many people would made this.

So i do really care about this relation. Otherwise i did do my best...but it didn't helped a lot. After we broke up i've learned and seen a lot. I just be more open to the others. By that i mean explaining my self to the others/friends. How i was feeling...

If i had to ask my self did i do my best, i would say no...its like i'm doing the wrong things all the time. But after all i'm glad i know what i'm doing and thinking. Sharing was the most important thing in a relation. I'm also dissapointing that i didn't have a second chance, but i already didn't mind. She is the one that learned me a lot how to be my self. After these months i just really appreciate what she did for me.

And also be proud that i have learned her friends, maybe its really heavy for her. Because i didn't do at the first moment that we had with eachother. That is also one of the thing that i'm really sorry for it. At this time seeing the real me is ofcourse too difficult to accept me who i'm but i hope time would change. Even she's changing she would be always the same in my heart.

The past is always coming up in my mind. I do talk to a lot of people/friends, its not the way i want to get any information. First after we broke up i did, i really care about what she's doin with what kind of people she's going out. But the last few months i didn't do it anymore, because i also want to see her be happy. I still do care about her its not that i'm someone from her but just seeing her happy its not a fault.

So everytime when i'm talking to them/friends i just want to express my self. And by expressing is using my heart how i'm feel. There is no lying, why should i? I did dislike manythings what's happening... but the time tells me that i didn't need to stuck at these kind of situations, you want her to be happy just let your self free. At the beginning of 2010 i just set free my self. Dislike things what i see i just try to let it go.

Loving someone is not a fault, but you just need to know how to work with it. I do understand because i also did talk to her nephew. Its not that he didn't support me. But is just i know what playing around, i know. Kind of people is seeing that i'm doing too much, but i didn't feel it. Maybe its true. Like in the Christmas days, i do or would like to celebrate with her, but it didn't come...than i did thought about the past how great it was. Because the happiness is forever in our heart right.

I would like...but it didn't happen its not that i didn't had a great Christmas, but at these time i wouldn't compare. I know the past is the past and now is now. And New year's eve i would like to be there, but i didn't choose for it. It's also really happy to celebrate with your own family. But i do think about the past. I do ask my self did she ever thought the same like me...

When i go to sleep or open my eyes, she is there...is just coming all by them self. I know many people in this world would made the same thing. Its not our fault is just the way how happy we had or made. Let it go let it go, its not that we talking about few days it would take much longer. How many love could someone share or give...you wouldn't feel it, when you're not open for it.

At the end, i didn't hope or wait for anything... like i said by 10.000 times. She could treat me like what i'm. Because since the beginning my heart didn't change...but the way i'm the way how i'm seeing is already changed because we are getting smarter if we experienced a lot of things. I also see many things changing but is it the right way, we just need to ask our self.

Phew i'm happy that could be so honesty to everyone. I didn't act, using your heart is the way you give your warmthly to anyone.

This not the only one thing that 2009 isn't that great year there is many many things that i didn't achieve or complete, i would like to do that in 2010. Hope we all could reach our intensions.

From my heart: i would like to say i did many things wrong or did dissapoint someone. I'm really sorry for that. Especially her i did hurt her many times, not on purpose. I hope that all of you guys and girl could forgive me.

2010 would be totally a new starting, and the new me!

At the end, sure i'm proud and appreciate of her. What i've made i did have many sad times but it doesn't matter anymore. Even i heard a lot of bad things about me, i also didn't matter. Because is just the way how you will see it. Maybe these are my negative points, i could learn from it.

Why i'm proud or appreciate:
- I learned a lot of great friends from her ( by that i'm sorry that i gave her a hard time, any friend that i've learned from her, i just treat them with my heart. I didn't use them i didn't lie...at the end i didn't want to make her cry. Because these are really good friends from her )
- After we broke up i had the time to think about many things, changing, doing, expressing etc...i finally know how a relation is.
- Hating and dislike is leaving from my heart, i did think more clearly...
- I'm proud that i could be a friend of her. To make kind of things with her together with the others.
- Maybe she will think she didn't do many things, but i feel i found myself once again.

There are a lot of things that i could be proud of, i thinks these five things are the most greatest from the last year. I hope in 2010 would be more great...

Because there are still a lot of intensions i want to achieve and complete...

I do still miss and love her...its not a fault i'm already someone that have the guts to say it. To be proud of yourself. To let them know how you are thinking. To accept the critics from many people. To change to be a better someone. To hope that anybody around me would be happy.

- (A day without you - 107) Saw some blog's

2010-01-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

People would get exiting everyday when they want to write down what they have done or what they have made. I saw some blog's that are really interesting to read. It doesn't matter if the layout looks good or not. For me the most important is the index.

Why people is just holding a day diary or blog. Because they want to share the things or just want to read it once again when they get old. I just said i wrote a scription about 2009, at this i'm standing still. Its feel like a bit i'm scared...its like karma...we have cause and the consequence. What would happen if i have post it.

By this time i'm just standing still... shall i post it. Or just keeping on my computer. Day by day we are getting further. I saw a text that she posted on facebook... its not that i'm focus on her. Its telling us the happiness is like water its already over so fast these two weeks.

If i'll reply yes indeed the happiness flow away, but the happiness that we get that is in our heart is forever. Don't you agree, that's why people thinking about the past and talking about the past what they have done.

At this moment i didn't like to post it, what i've made in 2009. But i would like to share it later. But anyway i got some intensions that i still want to share. Many people just experienced 2009 as a sad or bad year. I do...but i wouldn't see it too negative. We have up and downs...i hope i could win everything back what've lost in 2009. And i'm sure i would work hard for it.

Kind of things i'm already scared to do, but maybe its better for me there is than no consequence. I just need to know that my heart is knowing how i feel. I'm always thinking about the past but also looking forward to show express the way who i really are. I know many people would appreciate who i'm. So the next coming blog i would express kind of things that i already want to do but didn't do it yet.

- (A day without you - 106) 2010 second day...

2010-01-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

Its like things is starting well, but its just only the second day in 2010... Many people will pray many people will hope... I heard that 2010 would be a great year. I just wonder is it true?

Many people would say forget about the bad things what happened in 2009. But i often do think about the past, why? because its just coming with you. I do miss things, i do...

My confessions is still not finished yet, is just a scription about 2009. So i can put new intensions to make it all right again. Like in januari in 2010...just thought about the good things and februari etc...

Missin things is not a bad habit, wouldn't compare the things in 2009 with 2008...

At the end, i do have regret kind of things what've done, but it is already the past. Everyone should fight for the coming year. We did have a cause and a outcome...

We are a year later now, thinking starting to get difficult or more easier. Is the way how we will see it. I already said kind of things i did brought with me to 2010. I'll fix it up right here in 2010. Talents could beat all, but if i didn't have work hard!

- (A day without you - 103/104/105) Intensions

2010-01-01T08:17:00.000-08:00

First i want to wish everybody a happy new year! May all your wishes come true! I wouldn't say anything yet.

There should be a really long text that i need to post, but i'm still working on it. But this is the first day of 2010 than i really need to write down something. I already did make a wish for this year...i do really hope that 2010 will be my year like 2008.

Everyone has his/her intensions for every year. And i also do...it wasn't that great in 2009 i hope this year i could complete or achieve the intensions that i put for my self. I did feel i've changed a bit. But there is ofcourse some bad things like going out till late. But my habit and character in my heart didn't change.

I still do know what i'm doing, because i'm already at the age to stand still and putting some roots on the ground. I need to be more serious about kind of things/stuffs/business/school. Kind of things is just be difficult to let them past by, kind of things i do take with me to 2010.

I know 2009 wasn't that great, hopefully by trying my best and setting my hard work for everything i could achieve them. Even there are a bit bad things that i took with me to 2010, we couldn't say its bad but i did hope to change back to postive...

Everybody has his/her own intensions...i did hope they could also do like me to achieve them by not giving up.

- (A day without you - 99/101/102) 2 Days left...

2009-12-29T08:31:00.000-08:00

Hard to believe, Hard to see...that's a way that is really hard to walk. It's almost new year, i just couldn't imagine...how hard this year was. Am i still stucking in the middle of this year or there would be changes.

Just wait untill its 31th confessions will be bring out...why this so freeking badly.

- (A day without you - 98) Confessions?

2009-12-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

Its almost a year, at my blog i couldn't lie...soon i need write down something what i always want to say i want to explain how i get through this year. Many people think expressing yourself at blog is a manor of torturing yourself...but there are a lot of reason why i'm writing this blog...

This wouldn't end...uknowmylife is a really special meaning of my life. It does tells me a lot. My story of this year is comin soon...

- (A day without you - 93/94/95/96/97) Christmas...

2009-12-25T02:32:00.000-08:00

Really sorry for late updating, but it starts to take longer and longer. But in a week i will update once so keep your attention.

This year i think i couldn't celebrate with her, or better said doing something great with her. But i did hope we could do something with eachother it would be great. Is just like one of my wishes i want to let it come true. In my heart i will tell my self i did.

Yesterday was great celebrating with a group of friends. Sssst She was beautifull in that dress? i don't know how to call it in english but it was wonderfull. In this Christmas time i do have a lot to tell. I do want to receive presents, but i won't ask for it. I hope my heart my trust could bring over to GOD. So he could bring me something that isn't material...

I know GOD did hear us all. Like last monday i watched a movie called AVATAR, it was so great to watch it. The storyline was great...is just gave me itches from inside. In the film it tells one thing really great, even we are at the end no more power like we got defeated by them, there is always a miracle coming up. Because we did ask with our heart.

Wednesday i went to a ASN party, i made a exception for my self to go. It was a bit fun and cosily with all my friends. Everybody was asking me and because there was a lot of friends going. But at the end its nothing for me. I saw there are a lot of different guys that is not the same like me...its a bit uncomfortable. Maybe in this time they are like this.

I saw a girlfriend of mine was grope by another guy. I thought wow its that always happening in the ASN partys? Just can't believe, HANDS OFF...i thought just dancing why touching? We all should come up to defend our selve. Its like there is no rules anymore... but anyway just a exception no other parties for a long time it think.

Back to the mainpoint today Christmas....would it be boring day. I just don't know, i did organize something to do, but in my own? I wish here everybody a Merry Christmass...

I wish her a Great great Christmass...

Even there was a lot of memories in this time...I just set it for my self to a illusion a imagination at the end in my heart. Just could watch it all by my self.

- (A day without you - 90/91/92) Snowy white days

2009-12-20T13:11:00.000-08:00

It is time to update my blog once again...Last week i dreamed a lot. There were great dreams and sad dreams. I always thought if i fight i could reach my dream, is it true? I didn't really count on my dreams anymore...because this is the reality. I did hope my dreams will come true on a day...

Its christmas, for me does mean a lot Christmas... The past, always wake up in my mind. I know most people of my age would wake up things. I did and do think about her...When i watch outside is just like a story. I just wrote my own story in this beauty white weather...walking outside in the snow. Cathing up eachother with some warm feelings like littles stoves.

Just gave me a lot of memories, great memories from last year that i wouldn't forget...also the bad things i could remember. Watching the children playing outside with snow i just thought how happy they had. Without stressing throwing the snowballs to eachother.

Wonder that i could also do that, with someone i really appreciate. Isn't it great to see, i'm already happy if i can dream about or interpret it...

White snow how romantic. Last i read an article about singles...it was a bit a sad story how singles get through the christmas days. But didn't watch it too sad yet...there is a moment that i'm still waiting...

Maybe it would be a great end of the year...

- (A day without you - 88/89) Motivation...

2009-12-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

It's not like i don't have the motivation anymore to update my blog...because the motivation is also leavin me, and if it's gone then it's gone. After a long time i know it is still there. He never left me...

I already don't know what i'm doing, the road where i was...i lost. I didn't even know if i'm doing the right things. Because everything what i said at my preface blog that things are changing, it is changing really hard.

I don't know i'm that stupid boy, is doing way too much. Is things normal when they happened. I'm also a human, i couldn't pick any hard things on my self. I also have feelings like anybody else. But it does hurt...It really hurts.

I really need to find out is it easy or hard...

- (A day without you - 86/87) Don't walk the wrong way...

2009-12-15T06:08:00.000-08:00

In our life there are many paths, you will see there is countless roads we can choose. Did you ever ask yourself you walked the right road? I tell you now:

In our life there many stages, like 0 - 3 - 6 - 9 - 12 - 16 - 18 - 21 - 25 - 27 - etc. these are our year stages in our life that we would change at any stage. But you wouldn't know what are changing, only people around you could see it and feel it.

Honestly why i'm writing this subject is because there are a lot of people are going/starting go the wrong road. Especially friends/ good friends of mine. But i'm scared that i tell her/him that they wouldn't like or even dislike what i'm saying.

Things that you've learned from your parents you wouldn't know its wrong or good, but most of them you pick it as good. Friends that you're going out you will know they are good or not, because you already with them for many years.

Would you start a new friend crew if you know they are bad, or first you will think they are good but after all they are bad. Remember the same thing look with your openheart and not only with your eyes. That's the most difficult thing in our life to walk the right road.

You wouldn't know what there lifestyle is, you even didn't know what there background is. Why heading in? Stay at your own group because they all know what you need. People is changing in any stage, its horrible to see that you would lost them...

Only the right way can bring you to a succesfull someone.

- (A day without you - 85) Is it always the same....

2009-12-13T09:46:00.000-08:00

When people having a relation they will say how much he/she will love you... That's ofcourse really sweet and we all smelt from it. And when they broke up, do you also feel the same for the one...or we just say just f*ck it let it be the past and start a new relation. Many people should think that, but what if you're not?

Example we get a new relation would you say the same things to her/him. That you like him like your first girl/boy friend? After this question we should ask our self what real love is. I know we all have true love for our parents...and there is one of them. We couldn't change them...

But to your girl/boyfriend...i never hesistate there should be another, that's why because i'm so strange o.O".I already gave my own answer on my question. But if you really get hit by this subject you should also ask your self.

We all sometimes hate or dislike what our parents do, but when you deep think about it. They really care about you, the best things they would give to you. Things could be comparing... Would we comparing in love who's doing better?

I self just can't realise it, that someone have a new relation and another and another that they would say the same things and having the same feelings? Is this so? in this world?

- (A day without you - 82/83/84) Why?..

2009-12-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

I already didn't update my blog for 3 days. My feelings is really difficult at this moment, i'm happy what's going to happen, but at the other side i'm unhappy.

Happy because finally happen something great, i hope things will keep going and wouldn't stop. I wouldn't like to stuck when it goes so well. But at the other side i'm really unhappy, because i know i'm feeling always the same, with my eyes i see something is changing. And that's not a positive lifestyle but a negative lifestyle.

I hope it would not change any further...

Why? people do change...

In a way...that you really like or i like?

- (A day without you - 81) What i want to tell...

2009-12-09T12:06:00.000-08:00

Two days has passed by...

I hope that my communicating with her will getting more and more. So we understand that we really could be friends. So we really know a lot about eachother. That we can look forward.

I accept what she said, let it go...and hope she also accept mine facing the truth. And there would be also a new begin. But however we will forever know in our heart that we were couples. But until we see eachother i hope that the feelings that she feel can put it next to her.

Even we couldn't be couples, but i'm already glad that i could see her. I know there was a lot of miscommunication or angry things.

What i want to tell to her:

Most beautifull thing in my life is that i've met her, even there was a lot of up and downs. I just saved up all my most beautfull, prettiest and gorgeous memories in my heart. No matter what happen...even we are only friends. Every moment that i could spend with her i'm already LUCKY.

So it will be fine!

- (A day without you - 79/80) How to do your best?

2009-12-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

Anyway sorry for late updating, didn't want to let you guys wait so long. First what i want to say because i'm having a really busy week anyway i still got some time to write my blog.

After all, now the title calls how to do your best. Now first we all need to do our best for school we all know haha. But its not the mainpoint for today. I just feel and see what's going...i just already let it go behind my back. Only remember the things in my heart!

One thing i did talked to her this week FINALLY! Don't you think it is time? Its better for both of us. I mean how to do your best, to being friends. I will say one word " Face the truth " communicate a lot and a lot. I didn't know that i hurt her a lot, i'm really sorry i didn't mention to hurt her and we all know. All i want is seeing things going well...

Its like i really want to say things/gossips to her like we are really good friends. But did she already face the truth like me? She must also accept me as friend. So we can enjoy our life together with the others. Finally know who we are, why that other seeing me different than she does.

But i'm glad that we talked. I did hope there would be changing in it. I know deep inside our heart we WERE couples. So maybe kind of things would be bit close, but it doesn't mean anything. It is just the feeling that is still hanging there. But we no need to avoid it, we WERE. So if we feel its a bit irritating we talk...we say. No need to be scared, no need to be angry. At the same time we can solve everything.

Because is just more difficult for yourself. And at the beginning i told we can really be great...just need to face the truth. Avoiding is also a weakness and just gave yourself more pain, she and i wouldn't feel great. Communicating is the answer to solve any problem. Like i do with the others. And just hope that one day would come.

Just face the truth! Happiness will come by them self! Future is the way that we need to see, we couldn't always think about the past who i was...Looking forward and we see!

At the end i'm still the one that never changed, if she need things i'm always be there!

- (A day without you - 78) Last meeting...

2009-12-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

Today was our last meeting at the holy house, you guys will think what? Yes i do believe in religious doctrine...and also believe in GOD. Even i didn't live 100% what they say, but i did my best. Like hating peoples or scolding people that didn't told by them even it didn't even stands in the religious doctrine. But we do, because its our character a normal human, its in our heart and even in our mind.

If we could do 100% than we were the sons of GOD. I did appropriate things to many friends, kind of them did understand what i'm telling, but a lot didn't. When you tell them things please use your heart, that's one rule that you show your honesty. A lot of them really didn't understand because they think i'm saying bullsh*t. A lot of them also using there ears but didn't use his/her heart.

I use my heart for any friend...I also did want to fix up all the things. But they always dissapointed me. My heart did burn out of my chest. Did i have too? Many friends know who i'm. Why my proudest...I did know she understand.

This is maybe the most saddest year of my life and i wouldn't forget. First in the beginning of the year it starts to going wrong at the end it was going wrong. Now i'm almost at the end of the year. My problems didn't even be solve. Its also starting to get worser?I really did hope is going well at the end. I did ask my self ask GOD why this could happen. Am i saying things wrong. The answer was nobody could be 100% but i did something wrong.

But i should be glad that i learned a lot of friends, that they really understands me that i'm saying the things that is totally right. I did believe one day someone will listen to me with her/his heart. Its not only using your ears...

Like today we played a game, that game was about giving words to another, there were like 10 peoples sitting in a circle. So we need to keep telling the other that one word, and at then end we need to have the same word. But we need "trust" in eachother so we can have the same word. At the begin of the game we used "pepernoten" but at the end we didn't get the same word. So someone was telling something wrong. It was the 4th people i think.

In this game "Trust" is a big word. Like in the reality why people just believe in what people say about me. Why they wouldn't come to me and ask. Because telling something will always goes wrong. I'm the one that knows and the other just would say it wrong. I'm dissapointed that i'm the one that not be trusted.

A woman, told us life is really hard, you see things you'll give prejudice. At the end we see its going to the good side or the bad side. But it took her 15 years to watch it perfectly what she/he is, but it could be faster. If we was using our heart to look things. Instead of the ears and eyes...Than we already have the result.

Everytime when i was sitting there in that holyhouse with a lot of speakers. I did ask my self why this year happened a lot of bad things. I also thought about her when we talk about the relgious doctrine it does tell me a lot why this relation goes like this, why she couldn't came with me in the past. So we can learn about the religious doctrine. I didn't know a lot but i did use them in my life. That's the wisdom that i've learn and didn't forget.

I do trust the peoples, but i didn't expect that i could get something back. But i was watching with my eyes gladly also feeling with my heart. Its ashame what i'm seeing. If you ever had heard once about this religious doctrine, i know you will think the same like me. I know what i 'm doing wrong, but i know how to live my life.

The things what i said i transfered to all you guys, i know a lot will think you're just shitt*ng out of my mouth. But you ever have opened your hearted you will know who i'm. That you never had regret to be my friend.

I start to realise that my heart is hurting, not the real pain. Just like you did something wrong or you did have regret. That kind of pain, dissapointing, sadness and madness. If you ever feel like this its mean that you really care for the one/thing. I already don't know what i did wrong. Its already fine if you think about what i've said, did and showed. I'm just not proud what's now going on.

This year was really hard for me to get through, i did try my best to make it not that hard. I wouldn't like to have a bad start and end it with a bad ending of this year. I wish that i've another choice to make it allright.

At the end i hope she'll understands me, that i didn't want to be like this and be that annoying guy to her. It's maybe a lot of words this blogpage, but we all can realise that its truth!

Enjoy

- (A day without you - 76/77) Time machine...

2009-12-05T16:03:00.000-08:00

I just wondering what today happened, i really don't know what happened. At the end i know i was irritating for her. I didn't even know how i get through this schoolday. I know a lot but i didn't say. I just saw with my own eyes what's happening, is it real what i'm seeing?

GOD i was dissapointed and was mad too. I didn't even know what i want to do, i just really want to talk to her and ask her about a lot of things. But i know i start to be annoying. Why everything what i'm doing is all wrong.

I did hope i had a time machine, to fall back to our good old times. I know we had many difficult times but we also get through of all the problems. Why it can't be like the past. Why i had let this relation go. Even its not perfect, even i'm mad totally crazy mad today. Say many wrong things. Why do i still love her...

I need the time machine to go back to the past. Since we met eachother, my heart never changed. I just can't believe that things are happened that she still could do the same to the others. This world is just unfair...

I couldn't even realise anymore whats going on, i couldn't pick up my life...Is that the way i want to do. Why i always have the same feelings for her.

Why things that i see could be so hard, and hurt me so deep. Why i tried to set free my self and also didn't feel the happiness. I remember a lot of things its almost christmas of the year. I do remember...i know the feelings are playing a role.

I'm really sorry that she feel pressed by me, but we didn't even talk or speak. I just can't get over this relation. Even there is a lot of pain, i really have regret that i let her go... I was really mad, but i just let it go.

Many people would see it with there eyes, but untill one day you will look with you're heart. I'm not in the hurry. I just want to let people understand seeing things is maybe not the happiest what you see. Untill you're heart set free you can feel the warmth.

I know not al the subjects are interesting, but untill you feel it by yourself. You know i'm right...Even there is pain, dissapointing, sadness and madness. Kind of things wouldn't change and i know that's my heart.

Yesterday i also watched the film "UP"...i was wondering that Carl and Ellie was playing together when they are child. Later they also got married together...i was dreaming that my story was also that beautifull. Isn't it great to see !

- (A day without you - 75) Down...

2009-12-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

Everyday wouldn't be the same, today down, down, and down. Things are not going like i want... many things has his own barriers. Its also about school, our team is great with the timetable...but could we still made it with our project? Still need to go, moving on...seeing what the result would be...

Finally we are awareness and start to think about our project. If we believe we could made it we can, even not we could still try try and try untill one day we passed it. Its just how many time, will power you will give/spend on it. How important you'll see. Its just one time in your life...to study. To be succeeded!

Its not a story, its true because i'm getting through this troubles. When you read the two paragraphs...its about school, but at the other side its not only for school its all for yourself. We all have one life, we all need to try try and try. Untill we know we could do it. Its only if you want or not. So we all could be succesfull!

Be proud you love the things...you want to fight for your goals!

Is there anyone could motivate me, it's like i miss a lot of things. Anyway its time to work harder, untill you see you could do that.

PS: Missing...You

- (A day without you - 73/74) Words with meaning...

2009-12-02T07:31:00.001-08:00

Last week i thought about a lot of things, like i said before... I did know what is happening, i also did want to let everything go behind my back. But at the end i didn't... What does the word love mean. First i really care about this word. But i'm carrying it too much. So i also let it go, but i did keep in my heart.

I know the love that i have for her will always be here in my heart. Even she's doing something that i didn't like. But maybe she likes it... Even i know what happened last week. I didn't open my mouth, because its none of my business. Maybe she likes it... After watching the serie "Beyond the realm of Conscience" I thought i could also do that with the word "LOVE" even she's isn't here but by far away i could give her my love.

I didn't hope or didn't wait...I already said it will come by them self. I did everything for her because i want, i think any people in this world would like to receive something back if you do something. But if the word "love" is including in this situation i didn't expect that i would get something back. With this blog i want to show my self who i really am, expressing, telling, opening you're free mind for you're friends. That's a real good friend, because i have nothing to hide.

Maybe when you read this blog you will think to open for manythings, especially for her if she knows about it... I know maybe she dislike manythings if she heard about these things. But i didn't mind i would tell it immediately, so we can think about.

Anyway i want to talk about angels and demons, many friends you'll treat them like angels right? because you know they are good friends. I tell you an angel could be recognize in a week and a demon heart people you wouldn't no untill they made a mistake. Kind of peoples are so openhearted for any friends that she/he have. But did you ever thought about how they thinking. You thought they are good? but did you ever ask your best friends to give some opinions about them, what you didn't see.

Demons are always doing things that you like, but at the end they also have a goal. But you never saw it...untill the demons couldn't reach his/her goal and got pissed off they show them real faces. So realise who are the goodguys and badguys. At the end they show up, but in the beginning and the middle part...being an angel. Remember

I could see who are the goodguys and the badguys. I also want to have a buddha heart to be friends with all these people around me. But i couldn't because i know kind of them are demons...I didn't say i know a lot, but i know how they are thinking. Don't put your eye on one thing look around who they really are...

Something about give and take, if i give something i didn't expect i would receive something back. So sometimes i did thought about her, i did so much for her... why she couldn't realise it, or didn't show anything. Otherwise by other people she would do? Often i didn't understand and i would be a bit unhappy. But at the otherside i think she will know because she keeps it in her heart. I often also ask my self why i got be rejected everytime and the other not.

Am i doing something too much, or something wrong? But i didn't mind. Lot of things we need to experience than we start to think about many things. I know at the end that she is a great girl that i still love. That one day we all will understand.

I did thought about to be friends with the friends i dislike, but i tried many times. I did say hi or bye but they didn't show anything back. Than i already know how they are thinking. I did try and try, maybe you guys couldn't see, or she didn't see because i'm the one that is making so difficult NO. I see how they are thinking. And you guys didn't see what they did to me.

I also want to see that she's happy, so i did try. But would you be friends with someone if they didn't have a great heart. I can tell you most people in this world, they have a goal, they are also jealous and no one would give up. Only the words can change ur mind and direction by watching what they say. But deep in there heart they are thinking the same like the other people.

Everybody in this world is the same, by that mean...we would like to have something back if we do something, or when you say you aren't jealous deep in you're heart you ARE! Ofcourse there are exceptions, but you need to feel it. By feeling it is not watching at one point of view also watching nearby peoples.

I could maybe be 100% to her...but maybe only for her and for no one else anymore. I'm proud that i have someone i love. And i'm happy that a few of good friends that understands me...

At the end...we all know

- (A day without you - 72) A bit too late

2009-11-30T17:18:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry that i didn't wrote my blog yet, tomorrow...i promise. You have to read it, because it does mean a lot. At my blog i didn't lie i was always honest to you guys/readers.

Even i'm not 100% a good guy. But i know i'm 80%, but for her i did 99%... I wouldn't joke about things i just let you know what the special meaning is. There would be hard parts and soft parts. Hope you guys will also stand still and think about it.

- (A day without you - Special) Tomorrow special meaning

2009-11-29T16:25:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow i'll write a special meaning blog, these two days i thought about many things. At the same time i was sad, mad and confusing. At the end also happy. I just lost my way how to do...and to walk my life. what's wrong or good?

But i'm also an emotional someone, after watching any serie there could be a special meaning. So some kind of things i would pick it up. I hope tomorrow my blog will give you guys a great feeling. Even there is not think about it what i wrote.

There would be something you dislike or like. But just hold in yourself. Take a deep breath and think further watch further. I do believe in GOD i do know how to live a great life. But nobody is perfect...but we all know what we can do. I know some rules that we need to do, i also would share.

I do know a lot but i didn't complete them all, because we all have feelings...our own character. But when i take a deep breath i do what i want to tell.

- (A day without you - 71) A day is not a day ........

2009-11-29T10:04:00.000-08:00

Life is hard and we all know, life starts to change....and include all the things. I'm not stupid anymore, i know what've to do. I'm too long to be that stupid boy walking around and around. It's already driving me crazy. It's hard to believe, it does hit me really hard.

A man that could put somebody number one? Just always feel the same. Starting to think clear...

Whatever it takes, i'll be waiting...

- (A day without you - 70) It's coming...

2009-11-28T16:57:00.000-08:00

Its already 70 days gone, i feel it and i see it... Since today i will keep my blog really short. I start to understand, my feeling is coming up. I start to hate things.. I finally know that i didn't need to keep moving. Because i already see the ......

Today it was fine to see the movie with them...at her home.

I just don't want to write my blog to extensive... because we all just understand how i'm thinking. When you read those sentences, you could make up anything. I know people who followed my blog would understand. But if you don't really don't bother to think too much.

Is just for the people who is standing in my shoes and know what my life is.

- (A day without you - 69) Am i doing it wrong?

2009-11-27T15:37:00.000-08:00

Today... i already forgot the sad or unhappy things what last week happened. I just only remember the good things. Because i know the good/great feelings are just for a short term.

At this day that i'm standing here and writing this blog. I always ask my self am i doing it wrong? Did i do something wrong. That maybe she would be mad on me? Or be so hard on me? or treat me a bit different than the others?

I hope she would like to tell me if i'm doing it wrong. I know she told me once it doesn't matter what i'm doing just be yourself. I did understand, but for me its ok...but if she is mad or unhappy behind the scene. I wouldn't like to do that. So i really don't know if i'm wrong or not.

Why she everytime would reject me, because i did something wrong? Or she just still see something bads on me? I just don't know...Sometimes i'm really confusing, i know there is something wrong. Because than i know how she reacts. But she never told me...

I know she is not like me, like example yesterday i was really unhappy and the day after i couldn't recognize anymore what she did to me. I just would let it go... and see what will coming up. But i know she need 2 or 3 days to calm down. If something bad happened.

Anyway today i'm fine, i also called her and speak to her for a little while. We are not normal friends. I know we can learn much from eachother, i'm glad that she needs help and will search me up. Because i know i'm usefull in kind of things.

I didn't say i know a lot. But i know she learned a lot from me and i from her, i hope she will use it too and also in the past what i told her, what've learned her.

Today watching a serie, a guy was with a girl that he don't like, but its only the way to make the girl that he love jealous. Why? a guy that don't like a girl but did start a relation. At the end he broke up with the girl because he didn't like the girl. Ofcourse the girl get hurt...Why being so stupid, that's what reallife also happens. No girl can replace someone that you love the most.

So i think, i know already that she is one, she is already there... even we don't know what will happen. Or wouldn't happen anything, but i could say i didn't hurt anyone. She is always my number one... We talk a bit on the phone, she told me that she wants a lot.

One day on msn (2 days ago?), i told a girlfriend of her...If i could celebrate a special day with her, i could buy everything what she wants on the site. Haha that is not a joke but i will keep my limit...but i will buy a lot for her. But that's already 2 days ago that i told a girlfriend of her. Girlfriend of her was really happy for her. I'll do...if she happy

I'm also happy, but i didn't know when the day will come or will it come. I know its not about the money. Its the way that i've left for her. So everyday i also think about my self am i doing it wrong...?I just want to know if someone could tell me...

I know i love her at many ways.

- (A day without you - Special) Can't hold it...

2009-11-26T12:40:00.000-08:00

Today i'm writing another special blog, i really don't know how long i can keep my feelings in my heart. Because i'm so addicted to her. It doesn't really matter how she treat me, when she hurt me or yell to me. My love will never change, because i just feel the same.

I'm strong enough to move on, when i see her i just want to hold her in my arms. I still have the will power to hold my self. I couldn't think about other girl, she is the one that is coming up in my mind. Tell me that you also need me. Love is really crazy... just want to tell her how much i love her...

It doesn't matter, if no one knows. If i know it, its already enough. Just tell me! I just want to pick her up like i do in the past. I also want to be my self...giving her everything. I don't know how long i could lie to my self. Like i told she is playing 75% in my mind...

Girl i really miss you...

I don't know i really don't know, i just want to tell her. Even its a underground relation... I really didn't want to waste anytime, but i just can't stop lovin her. I know what i need!

Often i didn't be myself, because i didn't want her to see that i love her that much. Many people wouldn't know what he got. But i know! It doesn't how hard to move on...

That's my truely L.O.V.E.

- (A day without you - 68) Why do i fall in love with her...

2009-11-26T09:51:00.001-08:00

Yesterday i was mad on her, i was unhappy... Did she really appreciate what i did for her? or does she feels like its normal. It feels so sad... i don't even know what i want to say. I was so mad that i did want to quit with everything...I just want to talk with someone.

But the next day (today), i wasn't mad on her anymore. I know she didn't treat me really well, is just the question why i fall in love with her. Why i have so much pain, i'll keep doing my best to keep her happy. Its just like normal life for her, she didn't see the good things of me anymore because its like a habit now for her?

I couldn't be angry on her, because i know i love her. I know i am not worth to treat be like this. I also didn't feel happy about. This love did make me blind...

Today she sms'ed me to call her so i did. She said she need money for order stuffs. Anyway i was glad that she wants me that i call her. Ok after school i just only think about that i need to bring her money. So i was 5 min at home and i rush out the door. Traveling to her home takes 45 min.

So when i was there, she sms me once again. Where i was? So i called her back, i heard her voice she was a bit angry because that i was a bit late. But i couldn't do it faster, dropping my things at home, i didn't even eat i already rush out my door. It supposed to be happy when i'm seeing her.

When i was in the tram i always expect that it would be great. But in the reality it was different. I travelled 45 min, i saw her for one minute. I know she wants to say something, but she didn't. I also want to say something, but i didn't too. I was waiting for her. Does she feel my heart what i did for her.

I thought she would walk a little bit with me and having a chat. Does she appreciate that i was coming all the way from home to bring her money? At that moment i wasn't for a second happy...i didn't. In the tram my heart hurts so bad, why she didn't say anything to me what she wants. My tears were in my eye, but i didn't drop.

Why i'm the one that need to be treat like this. Am i really that different to the others. I'm not worth to treat be like this. I'm totally dissapointed, even for my self.

I know i'm stupid, but i hope one day she could give me a bit happiness back. I didn't ask for anything, i didn't expect for something. I just hope she would give me a bit attraction. And that we could have a chat or a walk.

Anyway at the end i wouldn' blame on her. I hope that she's understand...Loving someone is really hard, its even harder when the one is not loving you.(Or she does?)

When i was home i calm down with my heart. It took a few seconds like knives cutting in my heart. But the same question, why do i fall in love with her. I wasn't mad anymore or unhappy. I just know i love her...i really want to speak her. Even today i wasn't for a second happy. But i did could see her for one minute! And that was enough to not to be unhappy.

I'm sorry that i was be like this today...
I know she do appreciate...

- (A day without you - 67) Uh..Confusion..uh..afraid

2009-11-25T10:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday night, she clicked on me with her another msn. I was shocked...honestly i didn't know she will use her old msn once again. Anyway she was a bit uptight, she was using words that she never used. She was asking me why i left a comment: " darling " at her old msn.

I was shocked, i didn't tell her why...about love and relation between her and me. I know i need to lie, i don't want make things worser between us. I didn't know it is a better solution or not, but i didn't told her. So i said there was nothing...she was using confusing, thinking and sarcastic emoticons.

I hope she was not mad. I did was a bit afraid. Like at the preface blog i already told why i post that word. I said i didn't know if i have the chance to say it once again. So i drop it at her old msn. And when i saw her old msn i could remember the old good times. I did want to say because since we broke up i do still love her. My heart never changed. But anyway i told that i keep things in my self.

At the end i don't know how she feels...but at the end of the day, i know she was a bit mad on me, using words that you can feel it in you're heart. I know you guys will know what kind of words NOT abusive words... I didn't mention to make her angry.

But anyway just do things what i want to do, i know she did treat me a bit different than the others, by that mean she is sometimes really hard on me, that she never would do on other friends. I just could feel it... Ofcourse i feel it in my heart otherwise i wouldn't say its hard. Even she do that to me. I do and do love her... I know she's not like that... She's for me still a great cute girl.

Just keeping her be happy, doing things that she would be happy. I never ask my self if i was happy? I know sometimes feels like she didn't treat me very well, but i have no heartfeelings. I know she's a great girl, i know how she is what she did for me. Just couldn't get over things.

Example like i wouldn't like to date a girl, that i don't like and that i often have to think about her. So it means it doesn't matter how she treat me. If i could see or do things that she would be happy i'm happy. But i don't know one day what would happen. If she's leaving or starting with someone else a new relation or that i'm starting a new relation. I'm just telling why i'm doing this at this moment and why...

Maybe many people when they are reading my stuff would think that i'm really stupid. Haha i would think the same that i'm a bit stupid. But at the end i know what love is, would i be happy without this love, if every day that she is streaming in my mind. I don't know just do the things you want, she told me... I also want to told her, i hope i have another chance to tell her.

At the end, we just all know losing someone in our life than we really could realise what we are missing! At this moment, it just like normal life. But i did put the expectations in my mind. That's why i'm doing so hard my best for things.

And the best song of Stevie Hoang are "Missing You" and "Addicted"...both feelings that i've for her now. Great music and lyrics.

I couldn't know what in th future will happen, but i just like to do my best for now.

- (A day without you - 66) Understanding...?

2009-11-24T08:52:00.000-08:00

I said at my preface blog yesterday, that there is another song hanging on my life, but it wouldn't match. I think one day it would match? I didn' hope... Once on a day i'll tell you which song it is. Its not the time yet, i think almost.

Anyway today i finally receive an answer, what answer? Haha the answer that i ask her to the film right... i thought we could as friends went to the film. Anyway i got a rejection, it wasn't a directly rejection. No heartfeelings she just want to go with a group. I'm already glad that she's also there.

I'm starting to know, where i'm standing and which position i'm. Life is just a song, but when a song is done you start with a new song. I realise that hanging in the same circle, isn't the best choice. Because you will always hitting the barriers...If you know they couldn't be solve, you know what to do.

Today i did chat with her, honestly its a bit different chatting with her when i'm chatting with other contacts. I mean i'm still the same. But its like she gave me a short answer or just a blurry answer. So i did ask her, i'm not holding things for my self anymore.

I said am i a bit irritating? That she gave me that kind of answers, because its like she's holding something for her self. An example i would ask you a question did you do something great today? You answer yes, i think you would like to tell next what you did. Most people would do i think. But i just got the answer yes. The reason was:

She said she was really busy, so she gave short answer. Or because there are too many people are talking to her at the same time. I know i do understand, i didn't gave her the fault...She told me, don't think about other people that thinking about you. Just do your thing! She is right!

Gladly after that conversation, we did have a normal conversation. Hey! nice to hear it right, i hope when she feel something that getting stuck at her heart that she also will ask/tell me...

I could say, sometimes i have doubt, what do i need to say to her! I always thought maybe i'm saying something wrong or she didn't want to know or whatelse. But after today she gave me full self confidence, i just need to ask/say things. It doesn't matter how the other thinks. Just be yourself right?

I know many things about life, but sometimes when i have doubt about something, i know she could give me an answer. I know both of us are a bit obstinate, but if she has something that she want to tell me i accept it. That cute girl, just couldn't live without her.

Why i'm telling this, is that i also want to have a normal conversation saying everything what we did. It's not the way that i want to know everything, but i think its more happier/prettier...or whatever you want to call.

Anyone has his own point of view...

I start to know more and more...

- (A day without you - 65) Life is just a song...

2009-11-23T14:33:00.000-08:00

Today's title: Life is just a song

If you see, i just post up any song at some blogs of mine, if it has his special meaning. I know the singer Stevie Hoang has many great songs with great lyrics. Because she told me he was a great singer. But did you guys realise when you listen to music also want to know what about the song says?

So i just want to tell why any life is just a song, but this is more about the relation side. So i want to setup for you. If you had a broken relation what would you think. So if you read my blog i just set up my title in order of rank. After my broken relationship i thought about...

When you these songs, it gave me goosebumps it just happened now, how i'm feeling. Remember if you read it. Realise it if you feel the same like me.

These songs are all from stevie hoang:
- She's a girl for me ( When i saw her )
She is the finest girl for me, what she's doing is just so sexy. Just make my heart bounce again. I did thought about " Gotta make her mine " because she is the girl for me, she is the one that all i need.

- Can't stop
I'm just so crazy that i'm always coming back too, we did break up and we make up again. And at the end we did broke up. I know no one is perfect, we could be perfect to eachother. But i know she is the one for me. So i can't stop loving her. When my phone rings i did hope it was her.

- Why you wanna leave
I did still figure out what i'm doing wrong in these months that i couldn't see her. But it seems like her love is all gone for me. I didn't want to start a fight. We need to think about to getting our things back. You always says its over, but i ain't trying to hear it no. Tell me why you wanna leave...

- One last try
After we broke up, i thougt i could get over her. But i didn't last 3 a 4 months. I know i just need her. So i did asked for my one last try. Cause i don't want to lose our love.

- Luv U
I didn't get the one last try, only what i can do is loving her. I always just want to tell her how much i love her, but i couldn't do it. I just always want to let her see how much i love her. Just want to Luv, hold and kiss you. She is the only for me.

- Addicted
Since she left me now for 7 months, its like yesterday that we still have with eachother. The time has passed by. But why i just feel the same way. Everyday i'm asking does she still think about me like i think about her. Girl i'm just sicked over her, her love is my addiction. I couldn't love somebody else, because i always thinking about her.

- I'm Missing you
I just want to tell her that i love her, that i never want to let her go. Because she has my heart from the very start. Even i told my self to keep moving on, but in my heart i just missing her. It doesn't matter how hard i try, i just couldn't get her out off my mind. I'm thinking about her all the time. No girl could be like her, and i couldn't keep lying to my self. Because she the one i need. I'm missing you.

- Make it to the end
I'm standing here in the middle with a broken heart, but i hope i can make it to the end. I know beautifull things can happen at new places. Keeping my love would never giving up. The love that i'm holding i would like to give to her. It doesn't matter what we are, my greatest fear is losing her. I know we get through a lot, we'll make it right and make it to the end.

At every title of any song i just put my feelings down. You could compare it with the lyrics. But i also work something in the text that's mine. I know we could make it to the end. So i was feeling for the last 7 months. I know Stevie has great lyrics, because like i said he was also writing songs for her girlfriend.

At the end there should be hanging an another song, but i think it doesn't match to my life.

The lyrics did touch me, so i want to tell you... How i'm also feeling. At the end i ask her for the film today, it was like a reject...but i really want to try, two of us seeing a movie, i think ever has a begin.

I know my Life is not ending here...I hope she also understands...

- (A day without you - 64) Feel free to tell...

2009-11-22T14:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i had a dream...sleeping till 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It was another great dream, first sure its about her once again. Because many people when they are dreaming they couldn't recognize anymore what they are dreaming. But my dreams, i know it is her, i wouldn't forgot her face.

So the dream was about: It was on a mountain road like in HK. on the side there was some fencing, you know that cars couldn't ride off the mountain. The little fencing...

We were with the car but at the moment we stopped at the side of the road. So we stepped out and i was sitting on the fence. Happily there was another friend that pushed her to me. Remember "its just a dream" what i'm talking about. So i had her in my arms...It is so real, like every dream that i dreamed about her. So we start kissing...

This dream didn't really gave me a message, but it does feel like we are born together. Just the feelings maybe that i got.

Anyway that was my dream i hope later i could read it once again when i read it. These two days i'm happy, she talked to me YEAH!... i'm glad, we did had a chat on msn. She found me up, nice to see and hear. I could help her once again.

Often she didn't tell me anything, maybe it still a bit different...I think we need to be free to tell everything to eachother. If she wants to know something i wouldn't hold it. I'll tell her...I know its still a bit difficult, but you will have more to tell. More understanding what we do, keep us a better relation. Anyway i didn't mind, i'm already happy that she talk to me.

I realise that i'm bit over sensitive, about what happening on msn and facebook. I could say i didn't like it all. But at this moment, i did think about it...I couldn't do anything, i just need to let her free to do her stuff. And i just need to say what i don't like. I hope she also can realise things. If she could have any problem she can always ask me.

I just always want to help her, she is just always my sweet&cute girl...she is the one in my heart... Hope she isn't so busy this week. I still want to ask her to the film...

I hope she can..

- (A day without you - 63) Happy and Unhappy day!

2009-11-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you about the Happy things first...

Today at school, i was 5 min before 11 at school. But she wasn't there yet...I was a bit dissapointed for sure. Gladly she was there after 10 min. At the beginning we didn't talk much in the morning even in the break we didn't really talk. I did tried but it was nothing. A little bit dissapointed but i go for it...no weakness anymore!

Happy! Because of last saturday we got punished by the teacher, so the people who got punished need to sing a song or read something in mandarin. So i did a song, but UNEXPECTED she also want to sing a song, a song that we learned together. She also want to sing with me so we did. Really happy that she also has the guts. Happy that i could sing with her for so many people never did it before. Song called " Bu de Bu ai " by Wilber pan...GREAT SONG! Happy me...

Even it didn't went too well, but the feelings was great. She was great, even there was a little bit went wrong, but first time we are still shaking haha. After that we sing the song together we did talk a lot more. Finally i thought it wouldn't be a great day. After school she went with us also unexpected. Hehe ofcourse really happy she didn't go out too much. That is a positive point of her!

My bro also sing a song, the lyrics was great...

That Sweet and great girl did could change my day...I cry because i'm happy. Hope she also think the same like me, that seeing me wouldn't give her a pressure.

So at tram we stepped in, but all the friends went to the right. And we didn't saw her, we did made a bit worry because we didn't if she stepped out or not. But there was so many people that we couldn't even move. After 6 a 7 stations we walk to the end of the tram. Gladly she was still there...

It did make my day, one last thing i did ask her for the film...i really hope she could come. We went to twilight together last year, i would like to see the second film with her. We didn't chill for a long time...I hope she can, would be really great.

Ok so now come the unhappy things, blog for today would be very long i think. So after school we went to Mac Donald eating with 8 people...it was great everybody was happy laughing, at a moment there was a strange guy that was coming on our table and asking about Mac food, really strange. His english was poor we also laughed at him.

But after a while he left, but after 5 minute we just realised that a mobile phone of one of friend got stolen by that guy. Oh my god i did feel the feelings, it was sad...it was a brand new phone but we couldn't do anything, so we did a declaration at the police office.

So what i want to say, i also feel terrible...it was a great and fun day turn into a sad day. So what i want to bring some news to everybody who's reading my blog. Don't think everybody has a smile face, its just a pokerface. You will only see what the one is doing, but you would never know what they are thinking. They are just so scary.

You thought they are all great or helping someone by good heart. But at the end you couldn't see with your open eyes. In there are heart, there are always something they want to get. And this is there goal. This world is full of cruelty...

So be Aware, be Protected, be Attend

I did feel sad for our friend, i hope it wouldn't happen to anyone. I know if she lost something that i would feel more sad. Hope they would get the guys these days.

So i'm always ready for her...

Artist: Wilber Pan
Song: Bu De Bu Ai

- (A day without you - 62) Feel sick...

2009-11-20T15:33:00.000-08:00

Last week we didn't see, talk and chat... didn't feel great. Today i feel really terrible, it feels like i'm sick but its not, my heart is burning and i want to puke. Dizzy all the way, i thought going out with friends chillin somewhere would let me forgot the things, but i didn't. Today i just saw the badguys walking around, even saw a guy that she really hates...

I couldn't watch/see one day she will got hurt (hope that never would happen), i would went crazy i think? Always standing ready... Just happen so many things. Couldn't controll my self. Keep everything inside my self its like i'm sick. You guys wouldn't know my feelings, i'm not human.

I just wonder we had only one year and 3 months with eachother...i just can't get over her. It sounds crazy, but i do feel terrible, its not about the time. Is the way that i know she's the one. I wonder what would happen if we are with eachother 5 years and then we broke up. Didn't want to imagine...

Its already 7 months past, most people will get over it. I thought when we are in a relation we will got most of the pain. Its not truth, everyday i feel different... Only she can make the happiest day for me and she also can make the saddest day for me.

Every where i walk, every where i go...she will be there in my mind.

She has the power that can change my character everyday, last week didn't happened a lot. So it did sux...Today is maybe most terrible day of the week. The feelings that i want to cry, but i stopped them, is hidden in my heart. How difficult, need to be strong...

I wouldn't never be happy if i couldn't see her...

Just lost my way

One another thing, today at facebook i just watched " friends exposed " and there was a question " do you remember how you met ........( her name ) ". I did want to post " Yes i do, i would never forget, the most happiest day of her in the year, with her great smile and beautifull eyes we made a eye contact, that i forever will remember in my heart. Love at the first sight! it does exist... That was the girl that i was searching for. "

- (A day without you - 61) Nothing to say...

2009-11-18T12:17:00.001-08:00

Yesterday i did write a special blog, but i delete it...it was not a great blog to read so i delete it. "Sorry girl i didn't want to hurt you... " This is what i want to tell her.

Everybody has his humanity reaction, i also do...but i know what i did wrong, even on that moment that i wrote something or say something that would hurt her. I'm not supposed to write/say anything that i want to hurt her. Because the feelings are just killing me.

At this moment, the day of today. I didn't know anymore what i want to express...its so confusing. Now deep down inside, it cuts like a knife...I'm proud that i'm strong enough not to show and be my self. Even there are pain in my chest. I just want her to see me as a normal good friend too.

I know everything i need to keep it inside, i wouldn't cry...because love its spread over my whole body. The words are better left in my heart.

Life isn't the same anymore, seeing things changing... Doing her own stuff, i couldn't be angry anymore. I know she has found her own way.

Just hoping what i've learn her will be usable in her life...This world is just full of cruelty that we couldn't see with our open eyes. That's why everyday happen so many bad thing in newspaper, people just wouldn't know what they will met.

Be attend, be protect...

i see everything. I'll be fine...

Whenever she needs me i'll be there...

- (A day without you - 60) Too positive thinking will turn in negative...

2009-11-18T08:56:00.000-08:00

I did have a lot of things in my mind that i want to ask her, but i know at this moment i couldn't do it anymore...Didn't feel really happy or something. Anyway my mom is back from HK. Glad that she is safety back, wonder what the first thing she asked me. How is it? with my relation...are you already ok? Wonder what i've answered?

I didn't want to lie, but i did said its ok. But it is ok, is just that i still love her. I just can't tell my feelings to step over her. I did try, i did...often i think i'm a bit crazy too. I always think there is still playing something between us, but this is that i'm positive thinking about how it will goes.

But i know too positive will turn into negative. So i do know there are a lot negative things playing around me. Even i didn't see, i didn't know...I just feel it and its true though. Even i didn't see or speak her the last few days, i just realised what happened...negative or postive? Even its negative i couldn't change anything...

I know you choose your own way to be happy or not. But i can't...like today waiting for a sms from her? i did wait...last few days i did send her a few, but i didn't got reply. Anyway i didn't mind, after the really busy day i didn't see her on anymore at msn. Remember she told me that she was also really busy this week.

Am i the only one that's thinking like this? Just everyday when i woke up doing things or something else, she will just jump into my mind. Things i really want to share or do with her. Like her nephew told me yesterday what he did, he said he was making a puzzle with his sister, *BLAM* I thought about my puzzle for my birthday that she made for me in three days, i was proud really proud that i got one from her. Is there no more love anymore between her and me? The day that she could make a 1000 pieces puzzle for me in three days?

Today i picked up my phone no message received..i just write a message, i did have doubt...do i need to send it or not. Its not something special. But if i could receive i would be happy. Anyway i i did wait 15 min, because we all have one chance to send, and time would fly by. No need to be scared right? so i did send.

I didn't expect that i would receive something back, its just i would feel better.

Ooh there is another thing, my mom was back from HK so the photo camera that she took with her is also back. Yes there were some pictures on the camera from the wedding day. I saw my pictures, it was really regretful that we couldn't make pictures together...She was great, will there another chance?

Is there something that we couldn't turn back...

Is her heart already changed? for sure? Did the time changed everything? Why i'm keep standing on the same time like in the beginning, why i couldn't move? Because the word " LOVE " is keeping me at the same place...?

One last thing for today, i watched the serie " born rich ". I asked my self could i ever see her with someone else? And she seeing me with another girl, i think i couldn't. Even now, i still have some jealousy, when i'm seeing her with another guy.

Is because i just feel the same...

Artist: Stevie Hoang
Song: Why you wanna leave

- (A day without you 59) What is pain?

2009-11-17T14:29:00.000-08:00

Love is pain? Love is great?

I did feel the two things in my heart...although its not a great feeling. Haha from happiest moment in your life changing to a saddest moment. A broken relation it does hurt, few months? or a year? We all don't know...

When you fell down, it does hurt...but its just for a moment. But pain in your heart would take for a long long time. When you're loving someone, and the one still doing things you don't like, you will get even more hurt? Yes you do, like today...i actually know what happen or what will happen. I do feel it, i do...

Is she doing things you said or just doing things that the other said? Is this a question that i've to ask my self everyday? If i did maybe i would be very happy or sad. In my heart i do want to know what she's doing everyday...

Everyday i'm not feeling the same happiness, and we all understand. Like today i wouldn't be so happy like the last two days...Something happened? Yes it happened...and not the way i want. That's why people everyday feeling different. But you couldn't change anything...

Loving her it did gave me a lot of pain...fall down you wouldn't cry, get hit you wouldn't cry, you will only cry if your heart does have a pain that couldn't be resist. Even there is a lot of pain and tears that i dropped for her. But there's always happiness in my heart, because i know its worth to do for someone you forever will love.

Doing your best is not a fault, falling down and getting up is the way you need to do. But one day you know you did it.

Cause at the end i know i'm addicted to her...she is the only one that could hold my heart.

Did she ever had a moment like me that we feel the same...I think we do.

Artist: Stevie Hoang
Song: Addicted

Read the lyrics of this song, it does also express my feeling for her. Addicting to someone is really hard, but i'm proud that i could think about her every day and night. I know i couldn't live without her...yes you!

- (A day without you - 58) When did i call her for the last "My darling"

2009-11-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

Seven months past, i really didn't know what happen in the last 4 months that she didn't see me. I did ever ask did you still have the feelings, or is just you don't want to feel it anymore. Did you already meet new friends, is there already someone that you really appreciate? I got to tell her something...she was and will always be my darling.

I already didn't know when i called her my darling for the last time. Today when i walked home, i didn't feel great...It's always that i missed something around me. I miss the one that always support me, that gave me the spirit and the motivation not to give up. I know it was her that she isn't here anymore by my side.

Yesterday, i was just hoping that i could help her...but she didn't ask me. But i was waiting untill half past 3 in night. I feel so sad that she still needs to work at late night. I did wish i could help her. I was waiting, it didn't mind. I know i could do everything for her... Even we had a little conversation and she was a bit mad about my talking, but i didn't mind...i did feel how she feel. Is just the way that she is really busy. I would went crazy too, working the whole night...

I thought about in the morning that i would get coffee for her at starbucks, but i know she will think further so i didn't do...But everything what i'm doing she will come in my mind. I also receive a phonecall today, someone telling me that she wants Karaoke tomorrow! Immediately i also want to ask her, but i know she is busy with school. Do you think the same like me, day and night she will stream in my mind and heart...

Today i did have the chance to call her, because she said it. But poor me, i had school till half past eight. I did want to ask her how everything was going. But anyway maybe the time that i didn't call her she could do a nap.

So i just send her sms, would she send me back...it would be great. Ooh i didn't told you guys, my bro already has a new girlfriend. Hehe i'm happy hope this relation would take long. And me? haha, seeing " my girl " be happy is the way i want. But i really really do miss her, missing these days...just remember the great times, couldn't believe its gone so fast...

I still have many great things that i would like to share/do with her!

When could i call her once again " My Darling "
She is the girl for me, i'm Missing You!

Artist: Stevie Hoang
Song: I'm Missing You

- (A day without you - 57) Want to go back!

2009-11-15T11:15:00.000-08:00

It is always starting a story with loving someone...doing great things and nice thing to the one you love. Always thinking am you're doing it right? At the moment that you could tell her that you love her. Would you get refuse..? or just accept? Than i would like to see who it is, if he/she is the one i really want to be forever...

A short intro, always want to go back to the past. Starting over everything. Is that the way i really want. Everyday wake up, she will be the only one that you're thinking about? Love is just a crazy game. But it is a serious game...Missing is a option that is playing in you're heart, want to hold, think, help and kiss her is also a option etc. At the end is just that you're loving her.

That's what i call think about you all the time. Because she does have my heart. Why i'm mad about people doing kind things to her, you wouldn't feel great...because you're the one that also love her.

I know there are a lot people is still trying or getting after her, a few of them just doing things only for her and the rest wouldn't receive anything, i couldn't do anything. But when i'm seeing it i would be a bit angry. I know she is a great girl...Today i just saw another thing, mad? i wouldn't be so happy. Anyway i could do something, but she wouldn't be proud.

I didn't love anyone else, only her...She is just a wedding dress for me, a dress that you would wear once in a life time, its not like all the casual clothes. Because she's exclusive the partner you want to live forever.

I could do everything for her, because i'm so addicted to her. Yesterday i talked with someone, is that the way you really want to feel even there are no result. I said i didn't wait or hope, because once i will know how she feel. Because any moment everybody could change.

Like yesterday its feels like in the beginning, i could do stupid things and hold her once again. But i didn't but the will power is so big. Gladly i could hold my self. Ooh Ooh she is the finest girl for me, means so much to me.

I did receive a sms today from her, its nothing special...even there was no text i also would be happy. Hahaha how crazy, loving someone is really big and i'm already blind for it. I wouldn't like to share...that's why people could be mad about things that happen.

Listen to your heart, he will always tell you what you want...You will know, who will the best for you!

I ask myself everytime, is that what i want...Even it was a no. Every day and night i could say she is there in mind she is there in my heart. Because you can't force it not to think. There is no replacing place...Because she's the only one of my heart...

I did try to forget everything, everytime when i'm searching or thinking i just found you...
That's why i want to go back!

Artist: Tae yang
Song: Wedding dress

I wouldn't like to marry with someone else, that i always have to think about the other that you really loved. Because love couldn't be shared! Could we ever give a one last try?

- (A day without you - 56) A bounce that never stops!

2009-11-14T17:02:00.000-08:00

It was a great day today, even there was sadness and happiness. At this moment 2 o'clock at home my heart didn't stopped with bouncing. My tears didn't dropped out my eyes but i feel them coming you know the feelings that is stuck into you're heart. I already said tears of joy or tears of sadness.

She said saturday she will gave me a price, because i helped her a lot last week. I didn't suppose that i will receive. I was just hoping she will sit next to me at the cinema and it did happen. That was already the biggest price that i could receive. In the cinema i was getting the feelings back like in the beginning of our relationship, it was so strong...its like butterflies in my tummy...I just want to hold her hands!

When i touch her a little bit with my pink, i went a bit crazy because the feelings was the same like in the beginning of our relation. I was happy, i was really happy. My heart didn't stop bouncing untill now. Because i know she is the one for me. I couldn't live a day without love anymore.

I was happy that i still could love her in my heart, i'm just scared that one day wouldn't be the same. I know there is nothing, but i just can't hold my self. Loving someone could be really fine or its really hard. Its really hard for me everytime that i see her. I love her more and more...But at the otherside i don't want to take another way to not see her.

In my heart tears are also drop from pain, because i know she didn't feel the same like me anymore. Its getting even harder and harder. At the otherside i'm already really happy that she was sitting next to me and gaving me the feelings back.

I did ever think about to give up this relation, seeing so many things with my eyes that i didn't want to see. Feeling so many things that i didn't want to feel. But at the end when i saw her i already forgot everything.

Seeing her happy is really the way i want to see, i always want to ask does she really can missing my love. Because i really do miss her, i just want to hold her close to me. Everytime i did be my self, but i didn't try to get close to her. But in my heart i really want too...but i just don't want her to think too many things that i'm still trying.

I'm also a normal person. Yesterday i heard from my brother, a friend told him..is your brother still sticking on her girl. My brother answered yes. The friend said i gotta hit him! Its because everybody knows that i did try my best but didn't get any result...They think i'm stupid. But i wouldn't think about what other people are thinking or sayings stuffs about me. I just do the things that i want, even its wrong.

I did realise it, i saw so many people walking around so many girls...But my mind only sticking on her, i just don't know why. Its like she is the only one that i really love in this world. But i feel great today, in my preface blog i said i hope to see difference between her and me, and also in the cinema that she would like to sit next to me. I did see and i'm happy about it.

My feelings are just stronger for her, but i know i couldn't do anything. Thats the sad thing that i would forever take with me in my heart.

Her quote i would like to use for today " A day without her is a day without love " Only seeing her is the way i could complete my love...

Enjoy of the Endless Love, love you babe...

Artist: Stevie Hoang
Song: Luv U

- (A day without you - 55) Does she feel the same or is just the way she like?...

2009-11-13T09:49:00.000-08:00

Its already 7 months past without her, I've been writing for three months now. I couldn't believe there could be happen so many things in 3 months. But its almost a year...but i still didn't get her from my heart. I just know that she is the one. That my feelings didn't change since the beginning.

Anyway, just going back to today...what i wanna share is, yesterday i told you she clicked on me..Really happy! ofcourse. But there was a guy name on her msn, but i know its a singer. So i ask her if he was a great singer, she said yes. And also asked if there are great songs of him, she told me many of them.

Anyway i searched him up, he is a great singer...I also like all the songs of him. Because he's writing romance songs (R&B) about his own girl friend or past girlfriend. And a lot of the songs does has his special meaning. For me music is great but number one are the lyrics, if the lyrics sux with great beat i wouldn't really like.

But that guy Stevie Hoang just write all the things of ever broken relationship could feel. I could say i'm one of them that really could feel. So i didn't know if she knows about the lyrics or just go for the music. Anyway the music is great, but the lyrics could gave me the past feelings what we get through. The meaning of his songs are more bigger for me.

So the first title is " Does she feel the like me "

Ok sharing a title of Stevie Hoang, also been one of my favorite with a lot of meanings
Artist: Stevie Hoang
Song: One Last Try

I did believe i've work really hard behind the scene for my one last try, i was dissapointed that i didn't get at the moment. But at this moment i think i don't need to ask for my one last try, because its time to let her know who you really are. Only she and me will know, if we ever could pick a one last try.

Haha if you know i'm also a R&B type of music guy, I do love the love songs...Is the way they express them feelings...

Another thing, i slept today for like 3 hours in the afternoon...i was really tired, but when i woke up i saw her name at msn. Day without love <3...hum does it mean something? I wouldn't give my opinion.

Second title: " is just the way she like ? "

I think Love is the most happiest thing in the world, i also read about people with love are happier than people without love. Its true, because i did feel it before...anyway back to single its not the way i really like. Having materials is not the way i would be happy. I only would be happy again if i was with her and achieving goals that she also wants. Than i would be happy...

That's why love could make a person so happy. Its not about the money or the materials, is the way you're with your partner and sharing things and achieving the same goals. If i'm in the problem in anything i also want to have someone that could support me, and also lending me a hug.

Hope you enjoy the song, you know what you need to do...trying is not a fault. Just realise what kind of situation now is. And love is a big word, next time i share another song also great of him...

Love You...

- (A day without you - 54) A bit happy day...

2009-11-12T18:04:00.000-08:00

Today i like to hold it short, its almost 3 o'clock midnight. I'm really happy that she clicked on me at msn instead of that i'm clicking her. Because i'm always the one that click her on msn. So i'm happy that she clicked on me at msn...

The only bad thing is... i always want to talk to her and even want to talk further, sharing stuffs like i do with everyone. But i attend that i'm the only one that asking questions, she never asked me... its a bit strange...and feel also so different. I know when she is happy, and also know when she wants to talk. Its total different...

If it is because of me that she doing like that, i'm really sorry...but i know its not like that. I already said we did have a great conversations. We are happy and all.. anyway i'm happy for today that she already clicked on me...

I hope she will come upcoming saturday to Bios. I know she is busy, i wouldn't mind if she didn't come than i'll wait for the next time. I want to see her doing great with school. Last few days she didn't ask me anymore for help, i hope she is doing it great...If she really needs help i hope she will ask me.

Humm she told me she was also busy next week...wish her the best!

Anyway, just missin her everyday...that great girl...

- (A day without you - 53) Will the day ever be the same?

2009-11-11T17:07:00.000-08:00

Late at night, i really want to write my blog. First i have sad news for my self to tell also have good news to tell. Lets start with the sad news.

First i want to say about today on msn, ok its not sad but its a little bad for my self. I really want to pick up a talk with her at msn. But its like she didn't want to talk (maybe only my thoughts) I ask her things she just gave me a short answer. Anway maybe she was busy. When i talk to her she always said she is busy.

I didn't mind maybe she is really busy. I don't know if there is something happened or not. But its not the same like last sunday. She was on that day happy, i know how she is on msn when she is happy or when she wants to talk. But last three days we didn' t talk more than 3 minutes.

After all i did mind a bit, but i couldn't do anything. Hope the coming days i could see some improvements.

Second thing what i really sad about was, was something i saw on facebook...I really was dissapointed, some of them will be really happy and proud. But for me its sadness and dissapointing, anyway i couldn't be mad or angry because i couldn't do or say anything. But i just believe my eyes, that's what really playing around. "Try to getting attraction...?" Grr... I didn't predict things wrong...

Ok that was the bad things that i've shared for today...

In the past i promised her that we will play "Little Big Planet" together, its a game. She was really happy about it, but in the past i didn't have my PS3 yet. But at this moment i have one and also have the game. I hope next time she would accept my invite and play it togerther.

Things i promised i hope i could do, but just need time. I know time is the most important thing to show my self. And what i'm doing.

The great things are, the day before yesterday i already want to talk about my vacation next year. It was not a dream just my thoughts i just wonder that she was coming with me next year to HK, than i could introduce her to all my family. I really want to do, just wondering in my bed. Just want to tell how great and beautifull my girl is...but when i open my eyes i was just wondering, but it did gave me a lot of happiness. I did hope it was true....

Missin her is not a great thing, i missed her so bad yesterday. I just want to hold her for one day to change for one year of my life. I missed her so bad that i could feel some tickles on my heart. I also told a friend of mine that i missed her really much. She told me go to sleep. At the end, i just clicked on her old msn acc. and wrote that i really missed her. I don't know why i did, because i know i can't say to her. So i use to say at the old msn where she never on is.

But today she was on at both msn, I was scared...i didn't know she saw it or not, at the otherside i did want that she see it and want to know how she feel, but on the other i'm scared that she is mad, that i'm writing those things. I just can't hold my self...i did my best.

I was watching a serie, it was like a woman that loves a guy. But the guy already has his family. So the woman only could watch how great the guy had with his family. But at the end she couldn't hold her love in her heart. She also couldn't see things that she didn't want to see. So her love was spread over the guy...wanna know the storyline watch "Born Rich"

I feel like a bit like the woman in the serie, just a bit...I really want to see her be happy all the time, but at the same time i also see things i wouldn't like to see. But just like her i couldn't do anything, but the woman in the serie did do something... but i didn't, but i really don't know how long i could hold my love inside my heart.

So that's why i'm using this blog to expressing my self. I think expressing your self its not a fault, i just want to share things. I also want that readers would stand in my shoes when they are reading it. Because its called Uknowmylife, you will only know my life if you stand in my shoes. If you're only reading, is just your point of view. Than you will give me reactions...positive or negative?

Remember when someone just giving negative reactions, it just would like Jaebum. Read preface blog. He was just expressing him self at MySpace, at the end he got hate... So he quit and went back to America...Don't you think first to stand in his shoes and think about what he was thinking? instead of giving opinions what you read. I was sad, that jay left Korea...people didn't understand him. That's why i said stand in my shoes if you want to know what i'm getting through! That's you really know my life!

I'm proud that i still love her, but didn't wish for anything. Life goes on, Future tells.

- (A day without you - 52) Spirit and motivation...

2009-11-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

Today i have talk to her at msn for a minute, yesterday i also talk to her for a minute. But it was a bit different than the day before yesterday. Thats sunday, at sunday i did helped her a lot with homework i was also really happy that i could help her...I hope i did help her.

Yesterday when i went to work and at work, i sms her did she need help? But she didn't reply me anyway so i said drop mail if she need help. After all i came at msn i also talked to her. But she didn't reply. At the end i didn't receive anything. I know she was really busy maybe i shouldn't disturb her.

But in my heart maybe i know what happening, but i wouldn't say things that i predict. I do feel something, but maybe too sensitive, i'm always sentive about things. Anyway when i was back at home, at msn i talked to her. She said she was busy...I do want to help her even there's something i can do. But i think she can handle it. I hope everything went great!

YEAH! After a long time, i got another dream...yes its about that. But i really couldn't remember my dream but i do know its about me and her. But the message in my dream was really strong. Is an another message that GOD gave me. I was confusing a few days ago. The message that i got yesterday tell me how to do and i know. I'm happy that i receive another great dream, maybe dream are just dreams. But if you never fight for it you will never get. And that's why i'm glad to have one and know how to do.

This is one of my spirit and motivation. And ofcourse i have another one, but i already told in preface blog that she was my spirit and motivation when she was with me. Even she's not my girl anymore. I know she is still here. Haha i don't want to talk about my another thing where i got the motivation and spirit it does has something to make with her. Only a few friends know it. They think its really funny what i'm doing.

Haha i'm so addicted to her, anyway...life goes on.

I would like to share one last thing, if you ever want to ask yourself how much you have left for someone you love. Than please ask yourself this question first. But don't show any doubt about it. Just answer...

I asked a friend...If there is an Idol you really like is sitting over there and a boy in reallife you really like is also sitting there. Who will you choose? Wanna know his/her answer?

But i had no doubt i will choose the girl i like and not the Idol...but is just an example. But if in real life really happen these things, i will also do the same. Because i really know what i want. I always asked my self do i want a girl that treat me great or a girl that i really like.

I will choose the girl i really like, maybe its not the best option. But many will choose this one...or not. I'm happy that i could share my choices and experience...

Ooh noo, today just hold it here...really want to share another thing remember my self i just put it down here: Vacation...

- (A day without you - 51) Feelings?

2009-11-09T06:02:00.000-08:00

Today i'll start my blog earlier because i need to work, I hope she is doing great after school. Because today will also a really busy day for her, i don't think i can help her today or maybe she send me a sms late night...I'll fix it late night.

My feelings for today hummm, let me say: The title of today " Feelings? " there are two options.
- First one: When i didn't see her, i do still love her, i already said feelings wouldn't change in a minute. But i do feel less than when i see her...
- Second one: When i see her, my feelings is all coming back...strange right?
Does she have the same reaction like me? I don't know... just express how i'm feeling.

Anyway feelings for everyday is everday the same. Like today starting a second term of my school. I did checked my school schedule. It was great and at the same time i was thinking, i could pick her up from school. Haha how crazy it is, just come up by them self. I do miss the days.

Like i didn't see her for a week, i do miss her...but when i see her.........aaah never mind, its too difficult to tell. Anyway i'm happy let me say. I didn't need to think about the past because they are coming by them self.

The way back home, i was listening to a music "Doushite" i think everybody knows what kind of song that is. I hope you also know the lyrics what the song is about... Hahaha Doushite means why...but the title is much longer. Why do i fall in love with her... I'm glad that i fall in love with her, but at this moment maybe i would see the same story happening like in the song.

I know it's a love song, but the ending is sad. Anyway at the end they are still friends i hope.

Another great thing, my bro told me sssst "he is the best guy that she(someone?) ever see" I also feel the luck and i'm happy for him. Because we do the same for the one we love. But the handling to get off a broken relationship is really hard and different from my bro. Anyway i didn't have regret, i'm even happy.

Haha its a bit crazy, but i have respect for my self.

I'm looking forward to saturday...I did wait for something, i hope i can see some difference. Missing the old times but looking forward...Just doing the things what've to do.

Do her best! Support her!

At the end share this song for you all...its an old song, but great to hear!

Artist: David Tao
Song: Love Can
Album: The Great Leap

- (A day without you - 49/50) Shall I changed back why?

2009-11-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

Today i want to changed my blog name back but i didn't just wait for a couple of days or just now? how confusing, I did receive a response but i wouldn' tell who. If someone really just walk by and read my blog, please start from the beginning and stands in my shoes to read this.

Why i changed my blog name because i really was dissapointed about something, maybe one day i'll change it back. I hope i can...

I don't know if they want to give me a response, but i wouldn't accept negative response, because i know what i'm doing. I just know and nothing is wrong. I just don't want to be hated when someone read my blog, i think you guys wouldn't.

I just did everything what i can, i didn't ask her anymore. I'm even scared, that i'm saying something wrong. I just love her everyday, want to help her everyday. But i know everything what i do it wouldn't be the same. But i didn't expect that something will happen.

In this blog i also want to show how people need to react when things happened. I didn't said i've experience about love. But i did wrong once i wouldn't do it for the second time. I know how to handle a new relation, but what i mean give up for my first relation. I just need to give up, is just i didn't get over it. Because i know in my heart i only have her.

I know when i would ask her once again, maybe we couldn't even be friends anymore. But in my heart i always dreamed about that i want to do that. But i need to do live my normal life...everybody knows who i am, i am treat like a brother i got respect. They know i'm playing a big role... But why she didn't know or she did know and still not like me.

Anyway, i got feel better today. She finally ask me to help her. Ofcourse i really want to help her in the past i also helped her. I hope she always would be happy...I don't want to see her be sad. I did promise i will always be at her side. Is it only for homework, or i really do stand next to her. I'm at her side i know! Once a day, if i'm not the one or i found another one i maybe can't help her so much. But i never thought about it...I'm the one that love her, but if she never ever felt for me something again.

I just don't know, i don't even know what i'm doing. I'm really happy that she will search me up or call me. Or whatever, but i know there's nothing. I didn't even hope for anything...

Maybe she needs to search me up if she needs me, i hope one day when she call me its not only for homework, maybe for a outgoing only two of us. Or whatelse, its not i'm not happy about that she search me for homework. Is just a different option, i would be even more happy. If there's not i don't mind, i just want to see her be happy. And i'm happy too! Homework or whatelse if it is she i'm happy!

Is just the way: I'm always asking my self "What am i doing?"

LOVE did make someone blind...

- (A day without you - Special) Its time for change...

2009-11-06T14:14:00.000-08:00

Why this is an another special blog, because today i changed my blog name from uknowmylife to u****knowmylife. I know you will know why i'm writing this blog since the beginning. It's because i had a broken relationship, but i never give up to fix my relation.

But i also want to express my feelings everyday, i hope people in the world will understand me how i'm feeling, even there are no readers. I'll keep going because i want to know what i did for her in the rest of my life.

I changed the name of my blog is because i don't want to be an open book anymore. I know many people wouldn't really understands me, that's why i changed it to u****knowmylife. People would maybe give me a negative response? I just want people to read it to know how i feel and who i really am and understands me.

I ask my self when she knows about my blog will she hates/don't like me?...i don't know...Will she ever stands in my shoes to think how i am/was thinking. The others you don't even know how they are thinking you treat them like really good friends? unbelievable right? And me i'm just someone she maybe will hate. Other people could love her secretly? but me, i just show my love so that everyone could read and maybe would tell her. Just a open book. And maybe i got hate?

Will you ever treat a close book better than an open book, if yes i also want to be closed book than. I'll keep writing my blog. I did hope one day she would understand. Will she ever come up for me...always coming up and defencing. Because i write how i feel, maybe the others thinking the same about me how bad i am... Who the f*ck i am. Maybe in there heart they hate me to death.

But she never knows, she will only knows how i'm thinking. What i'm doing? WHY? why? i'm the one that maybe got hate?... That i could tell her everything. People who keep his/her secret are dangerous but she treat them like good friends? I just couldn't believe it...

I have the rights to show my love, and they also can...But they didn't do, and she didn't see. They are still trying why she don't like them. I feel so sad so unhappy...Its like every pencil sticking on my heart. I ever told you tears are dropping by them self, its sadness or happiness. But i didn't feel the happiness because there is only sadness.

Even i'm so open for her i maybe couldn't be treat better than the keeping secret peoples. I really do dissapointed about it. I really do...I could say I LOVE HER...but the others didn't say but in there heart they are still trying. But the guy who maybe will get hate thats me. How sad...

- (A day without you - 48) Life too short...

2009-11-06T11:11:00.000-08:00

Finally i'm done with all my exams. I can also write a normal blog...Today i'm calming down a bit no stress nothing anymore. Just really tired these few days. Feel so weak...but need to pimp up some energy.

Today i'm happy that she sms'ed me to help her. I feel so sorry that i couldn't help her. Because the things that she send it to me i already forgot, maybe it was better when i saw the things. Badly that i couldn't learn with her together, otherwise i could help her.

I know i'm useless for today, did want to help. I was hurrying back home...but i couldn't do anything. I feel sorry for her, hope she will pass her exam. After all she gave us the chance to talk on phone. But there was nothing special, it was even a little bit a boring conversation. Maybe we are both really tired.

I was really tired, and i did had hungry. Anyway i hope she understands...

My title of today is " Life is too short "
Every day we wouldn't know what will happen? I just know what i want to do, i want to sms her. So i did, i wouldn't know if she like it or not. But i didn't disturb her personally...because we all don't know what will happen. Maybe we will get a disease? or die?

I just want to show my love to someone i really really like. Ofcourse also to my family. Life is just every day making decision...Is that the way we want? We all have goals, so we do our best to reach it. Time goes so fast, that you didn't even know.

Did you ever thought about the past, it isn't so far away from now. Blink we are 10 years further...I just want to tell, if you know where the happiness is just do it, don't think about it. You only got one chance and one life. Everything you can feel it and watch it.

Because our life is really short, so i hope i could do the same things for her everyday...

Because we all don't know what will happen tomorrow...Just the things that you had left behind is worthy, the things you did would be remember.

Nobody is perfect, i know i can do all the good things for her, but not to the others...I did have something goods. Even its not a big thing. But in my heart i know its worth to do...

- (A day without you - 47) Busy busy day 4

2009-11-05T09:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i was happy receiving her SMS, she was really busy...And one thing i'm glad about she did find her discipline YEAH, also really happy about it. She didn't came online anymore at facebook, i believe in her and she did it. I'm always proud of her...

I'm also not online at facebook just checking. So that's something i'm glad about it. Haha many happy news on a day. I thinks she is really busy too today. But i already send her a sms, hope she will send me back how it's going. I know we are in busy week...i know after few weeks a lot of happy things will come.

Finally my exam goes well today, i hope also for her. I really do miss her, i do...but i can't say it. Day by day it's really difficult for me. She was my spirit and motivation. She is my happiness...

I told you about my happiness, i really know where it come from...I could even change everything of mine for her. I think in my life i'm most happy with her by my side. That why i couldn't feel happiness anymore. Like my bro said, we bought a ps3 i wasn't happy about it, why? Because we know that love can gave us the happiness.

And not the materials. If i was a child i would crazy happy with my new console. But at this moment i just know i need her. Even it cost everything...

I should try my best now, i know her support would be the biggest...but i wouldn't dissapointed her. Because i love her...

Girl, Do your best!

- (A day without you - 46) Busy Busy day 3

2009-11-04T11:18:00.001-08:00

First of all, dissapointed feelings...Haha wonder why? Left eye is still tipping, it was starting from the eyelid it jumps to under my eye. Strange huh? Don't you believe it? You should watch by yourself. It does tell me a lot. Tipping all the time, i know there's nothing wrong with it. But he is not happy what happening. Maybe i'm thinking too far. I could say no.

Today i didn't receive any message anymore, no news, nothing. I could know it, i could wonder that i'm not just someone that could help her a little bit. There's alot more. Maybe she is busy who knows? Just only want to see her be happy and getting good results!

My left eye told me that i'm dissapointed...i just don't know why. He just gave me the feelings. People when you reading this you could say, you're crazy! Maybe i'm maybe not. Many people would ask her why she stopped Facebook, but kind of peoples didn't. Because they already know about it?

I ask my self many many times, Am i really happy...why there's no more happy feelings? What is happy feelings...I could tell you the feelings when you are so happy that you're tears couldn't hold it in your eyes. Or when you could drop some tears it wouldn't say that you are happy, because that could be sadness.

These week whenever i was learning i did always thought about her, but i also need to keep my concentration. I was wondering how she was doing with her homework, does she need help? Like today i also was waiting for her sms, how it was going. But just remember i'm not the only one.

I could sense, feel, see and hear a few things. Is just the way you believe or not. Last night i did talk to a friend of mine. I did say something and it was true, how did i know? i just sense it.

Pityful i already couldn't find my happiness, the lucky me back.

I know something in my life i couldn't share 1 thing and that's love...I won't cut my heart in four pieces. Because in my mind in my heart you know who's the one.

Everyday i just wonder, when i could say the three magical words...

- (A day without you - 45) Busy Busy day 2

2009-11-03T12:19:00.000-08:00

As i expect we didn't sms so much anymore, but ofcourse we still keep in touch. Glad to hear that she did her exams better than yesterday, i hope it helps her a lot. Haha i did wait for her sms today, because i don't know...just want to see what she has to say.

I attend last 4 a 5 days there is something changing...
Something is changing, i don't know what happened. But i see a lot of things is changing. Good or bad i couldn't conclude. Hehe you guys would think that i'm changing no, she is changing.

She is doing something that the other have a wrong direction of thinking. Or is just my sensitivity, i don't know that's why i didn't say anything or do anything. I did once tell her how to do, i hope she still remember. Just be normal...

I wouldn't give my opinion is it bad or not.

Or i sence it wrong, maybe there is changing between us? I don't know just too confusing. I just know i didn't that's all. Everyday i just hope that she is proud of me. Day after day i would support her.

At the end of the day, i think i type something wrong on msn. She isn't mad but she say something that i know how she's feeling. So apoligize late in the evening, i didn't get something back maybe i did wrong.

Anyway, goodluck girl...

Missin you, ssst just write it on my blog.

- (A day without you - 44) Busy busy day 1

2009-11-02T15:06:00.000-08:00

This week i have exams, she also really busy with her exams. I'm glad that we both work for school. Start having more conversation with her. But it just about school anyway i hope after the busy weeks, we can chill again.

I'm not writing too much. Busy busy work to do.

Just dreaming, wondering...haha crazy me. I just want to tell her....three words.

- (A day without you - 43) Just dreaming...

2009-11-01T14:49:00.000-08:00

Every day i'm just dreaming, dreaming too much, thinking too much and just wondering too much. There are a lot of beautifull scenes that is playing in my head in my brains, always wondering could one day be like that. Watchin outside in the tram, streaming the wonderfull moments that you would like to see.

Just the joy that you had in your heart. Tears that can't be stopped. But when you need to woke up it isn't that beautfull anymore. Did you ever thought you could reach the beautifull scenes in your mind? It could be realized, but in the reality its not the same.

Is it true when you see the future, is the future you get?

I just wonder what other people will think about it, am i really stupid, is that the way i want, is that the way i can hold it and when will it be the end or i really do can reach my future?

These two days i'm really happy that i could help her, we did sms'ed a lot. But i just thinking about what when she didn't get so busy. Would she still sms like the past 2 days. I know i'm not the only one that she had sms'ed i know there a lot more.

I finally know she got 300 sms or even 600. I know she couldn't sms to one people...because the first 300 are already gone. Like the past i just could send max 220 sms to her in a month. I thought i was a bit special, but i think i'm not.

Just wondering what will happen after these two busy weeks. I know i have still a strong connection with her. But i also know she has other strong connections. I'm just happy when i receive a another sms that she wrote to me.

After all i figure out, there are alot of people that is supporting her. And i'm just one of them. I'm proud that i could help her, i'm happy that something is working.

But after all i know.....I.....

- (A day without you 41/42) I just do what i can do...

2009-10-31T16:45:00.000-07:00

I just did what i did, many people think that i'm stupid. But i do the things because i feel good about it. So i will do...

She had a problem with lending books, so i did it for her...it tooks just a couple hours haha, but i was glad because i could do that for her. She was also really happy. Than ofcourse i'm happy too.

But the learning schedule that i've set for her, i don't know if she used it or not, because i did saw some activities at facebook. I hope she could made it with learning. Because i did set up the schedule with my heart. I really want to help her. Or my schedule just sucks?

I know it would turn out some time with learning, anyway i did my best. I hope she also understand it will works better. Today is the last day with learning hope she can concentrate.

I'm glad in the evening that we just sms'ed a lot. But after all i receive one sms that i think, uh why always think about it. I didn't reply on it. I know many people in her phonelist even boys would send her a sms with a x. I did said an x means something, i just don't know why only picking on me, i wasn't glad about it. I think i've the rights to do it.

I also want to do things that i'm glad about it, i just want her to be happy. Did she ever think about me how i'm feeling. I also want to be happy...

I always said i'm not 100% a good boy but i'm for 80%...i didn't do anything that i could said. You're a bad guy. Everybody knows who i am, what i do...

Anyway after all i do the things what i can, do things that i feel good about it. Only thing that i want to see is her to be happy.

- (A day without you - 40) The same feelings like her...

2009-10-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i know she did her best for school, i know i just feel it...When she late night talked to me i already knows she got it really heave on her shoulders. If she needs help i'll try my best to help her. I know the comin two years for her would be more frustrating. Is just all these things from school.

I thought when i was still her boy, i could stand next to her. Helping her a lot, learning together...but untill now she needs to do more her best. I'll always physically support her. When i saw her sms that she told me she was Sad, i understand i did receive more of them in the past.

Don't worry, i know she will get through of it, nobody knows what the result is. Maybe bad or average who knows? Nobody knows how things will go. Even we know its bad, we do it better for the next time. But always standing up and doing our best.

I'm proud of her, because she did follow my things what i treat her. I made a diagram for her but i know its difficult to follow all the times that is in the diagram. But is just an example how it will works. If you follow it, it seems like you have more time left. I hope it will helps her a lot.

Sadness, tired and mad is the three most horror things to have. So i know it needs time to rest, take a nap or do something what your self wants. And than you go do your homework.

I hope she will be more happy! All i know i would fully support even she didn't ask. Just something that i can help her i would like to do. I'm not doing too much because this is the way that i want to do, seeing her be strong and happy. Is the way i want to see. That's the way in my heart i like her and want to see.

Everything will be fine there's always a solution for it, so i hope that the diagram will helped her out. She can always call me...

Support ya!

- (A day without you - 39) Want to help...

2009-10-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i got a sms, just on my other phone...you know the marketing sms, but it was already 95% full. So i delete some, but after deleting. I was standing still, i saw her sms from the past...so i opened it, i saw the date...it was still a lovely sms.

After that day i didn't receive it anymore, anyway i just watch it and watch it back and back, I just read 4 sms i stopped. Still the same story i was proud of her, was really happy...but i didn't watch it anymore, because i know my emotion in my heart couldn't stand still. They are just comin up...

That's another moment that i have to stand still, and that i'm really happy of it.

Today i also receive another sms from her, badly she couldn't came the upcomin saturday. I know she is really busy. That's what my title called "Want to help". I really want to help her getting through all her difficult times. I know in the past, i did help her a lot and i would like to do it. And she was really happy. Somebody that really understands that she didn't have so much time. I do, i understand i was never be mad about it.

Because i know that, because in the past i was sitting at the same level school like her. I dropped off, because i was lazy, i did have regret. But at this moment my time is gone. I need to do my best now. But her time is still here, i know she is mad i know its a lot of homework and examinations etc. I need to cheer her up like i did in the past.

Her study now is also really important to me, because i know how it feels. Even we are good friends now. I'll also fully support her, getting through this 3 weeks. I know today on msn she was a bit mad, she didn't want me to help. But i did force to help her. I really want to see her doing the best. And its not something that she can do it on her own.

I know in the reality i couldn't help her, but i always do what i can. I hope she can do it great and be happy all the time. I'm always here, if she wants help...GAMPATE!!!

Jup today i couldn't call her, because family from HK was here so i need to go. I know she can do it! And i know it, i know she will be really unhappy if its too much, but i know i could help her. Today restaurant was the atmosphere really good still a secret where it is. But the food, just not tasty...

- (A day without you - 38) Pictures...

2009-10-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

First of all i want to explain the title, as you know me. I'm a boy or man how you call it, if you know me better you know i got a lot of emotions. I think every guy want to show his toughness, sure i always want to do, but deep inside i'm an emotional person.

Yesterday i just download the birthday pictures from a friend of mine. After downloading i just put them in a map like i always do, a privacy map with alot of pictures. I just watch the pictures from the birthday i was really happy when i saw the picture her with me. Its a long time ago that we didn't make any picture together.

I really like it, don't you think...we really match. Like the past everybody said that, we still matching happily. Haha ssssst i always thought about the past the good times. But back to the main point.

Ofcourse there is a lot of other pictures in the map. Especially the pictures she and me... i force my self not to watch. But i did click a map open and start watching it. At the moment i was proud of her I was really proud of her. I saw her smile her lucky her love that she gave to me. Her face smile eyes, i just can't keep up my tears.

That's why i'm an emotional person, i was really happy because every picture that we took i could remember the time what was happening every move. That's why it was so touching...The way i'm happy because i just remember the great times, the way that i was sad its because its over now. I'm just not proud of my self. I just messed up...

If i have to think about the past i know i did a lot of stupid things, i really thought i was the best with everything, but just when i remember i could do everything better. I did want to have my half year photobook back that she gave me. I want to keep the things that brought me a lot of great memories. Every picture that we took had them special meaning.

I'm proud of her that she loved me so much. I'm just not proud of my self because i just let her go and didn't do my best. I wonder that i've changed a lot, but doesn't say anything to my self. I just close the map, i couldn't watch it... i ever thought shall i pick out the cards that she wrote to me. I know i couldn't i don't want to ruin the cards with my tears.

The pictures of every moment, is the way that i drop my tear...

- (A day without you - 37) Dissapointed...

2009-10-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

The day i met her, you already don't know how much i love her...Will you ever thought there is someone that could love more than me. Did we ever thought how many things we did to recover. Did you ever thought why i'm never be mad? Because this is the way i love her.

Today topic called dissapointed, just things comin up in my mind that i would like to share to peoples who are in love. And often talked about true love.

Many people or friends would know who i am, who i just really am. What is love, could you really compare to someone that could love you more than the other? What is love...the one that love you by time...from young age till now...is that really the love that is bigger than someone could do everything for the one in just a few years.

I never whine about my love, because i know nobody is perfect...but i know there is true love, if you know it is you shouldn't whine about it. Everything will become allright...There is no one in this world know how i feel. I'm still standing here with the same heart that i had at the first day.

Do you think many people will be the same like me, at the beginning till the end. Making something through that really hurts. I did, i know what pain is...i know what is hurting. But i still didn't whine. Because i know what love is...Did you feel the same like the past if him/her maybe will hate you...I do i just feel the same.

It doesn't matter what will happen, just the feelings how much you love the one. That's i call you really love him/her. That's the one that really love you. Time doesn't say anything doing nothing doesn't say anything...is the way how you feel how you think, and know nobody will know. When you didn't tell.

Nobody knows how i feel every day
Nobody knows how i do every day
Nobody knows how i think every day
Nobody knows why i'm crying...

After all, just want to say...letting someone free as a bird seeing someone happy is not enough...Because nobody will knows. After all, i'm glad that i'm still standing up. This text doesn't mean anything is just the way, the feelings that i want to share to you. That loving someone couldn't compare. Because only i know it...only in your heart will know it.

- (A day without you - 36) It looks like really long

2009-10-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

Its already 67 days gone, before she came back from vacation. 67 days without her... Wow the time looks really long, it happened a lot the past few weeks or 2,5 months. Going up and down, low and high. Everything has changed a bit or has some big changes.

I'm glad that i'm changed, haha happily not my heart. You could say time is flying away, you also could say the things what happened it tooks so long. Do you think its going too slow or too fast? If i had to look back i know there where a lot of bad things happened, but also some great things.

But happily we are looking forward now, i know and hope it will be great going, between her and me. Why between her and me, hehe if i have to look back, i would say that. From today i hope it would be great between her and me. I know you guys just understand what last 2,5 months happened.

I don't know why but my left eye is still tipping a bit. But i know it would be ok...Last week i'm a bit happier, maybe i just feel how she is doing the things. Happy for everyone around her? or maybe is just wrong. But i didn't think it about too much.

Yesterday was a great day, did i already said that i was happy that she also was there at dinner. Hehe before the dinner also happened a lot of things ofcourse. Haha you guys know it...even she not here with me anymore, i know she is also there...

Busy day Sunday...homework day or work day? Sleeping till 3 o'clock...homework taking three hours. Finally have some time to update my blog. I know she is really busy with homework. Me too coming next two weeks would be a bit drama.

But after yesterday i did find a new manor to keep my motivation and spirit...sssssst...
I hope she also find her spirit and motivation to keep on working for everything in her life.

- (A day without you - 35) Feeling better...?

2009-10-24T15:49:00.000-07:00

Many people would said why i'm still writing about her, is just making your self more difficult to forget her. I want to say i didn't want to forget her, even i know didn't have the chance or even i'm not trying. Is just want to express my self the feelings for my self and to anyone else how strong the word "Love" means to me. I just want to see her once in week even its only a sec.

At the beginning of the day, i don't know still a bit strange. I'm not like the past anymore, in the past i would feel really sad when i'm not with her. I still feel a bit unhappy, because i will always think about the past that i was with her. But i just try to be myself and i could. But its not the way that i feel nothing for her anymore.

I have the same feelings for her, but not doing the things like in the past anymore. We are just really good friends, and just want to see it back. Honestly i do miss everything, but i just don't want to give pressure on her. I know she also want to see me as a happy person. And i want to know her better. And ofcourse also want to see her be happy.

And one thing i just want her to think normal, not always when i'm doing something and thinking about there is hope. If she like than she like it or not she can tell me. Hope is coming from above, because love is something that is gave by GOD. When you feel it than you feel it.

At the sportday i didn't see her really much. Just going on our way...Haha ofcourse you'll miss something, i just feel it in my heart... but life goes on. I'm already happy that i could see her.

Late at the evening, she was also there eating with us. It was fun, great and happy...hope she also like it. I wasn't sitting next to her, in the beginning i was...but i thought maybe a bit too far. Honestly i did want to sit next to her, but after a while i just want to let her know this time i'm not sitting next to her. Hope she will accept what i'm doing, and when next time i want to sit next to her there is also nothing. And she would accept it to sitting next to me.

Last thing i just want to see her be happy, and ofcourse i really do love her. But it doesn't mean anything...just want to see her also treat me like a great friend. That we also could do things with only two of us. I did changed a lot if you see, i think everybody could see it. But changing is maybe only the way you see, but feelings will come by them self. And if there's not i understand...

If there is, i would want to know from her...One day

- (A day without you - 34) Most important dream...remember

2009-10-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

Today i got another dream, i wouldn't tell it anymore. I know maybe you guys will think i'm using the dreams to be my self or to get my goals. Maybe its a bit true...but after all i know the dreams just want to tell me things what will happen. Or you will think is just dreams...nooo why people believe in GOD so fast or something different, because they just got a dream and they feel the connection between GOD and them.

I will put down the words so i will remember my dream:

- green garden - pool
- 1 time - cheek
- turning - ask - force
-bathroom

I know if you don't believe it, the whole story will be ridiculous. But for me is just a gift, i already see the ending. I don't have to do anything...and i'm really happy to see it.

I always asked GOD how to do. And he did help me, maybe i did it wrong to get the wrong results. But whenever i need him, he just gave me what i want. GOD will just tell me in my dreams. Except that GOD also gave me the power the connection between her and me.

Yesterday i read my bro's blog about what true love is, i really thought many people will do this. Maybe its the best way. But i just hope i didn't gave her the pressure because its not what i want. I didn't suppose to do that...And i already accept the fact how it is, i just try to be really good friend with her. Its not the way that i want to let her think about me that i'm still trying.

Honestly everyone has them feelings, i just use them because i care about the person its not the way that i want to put pressure on her. I think we need to accept some things what we are doing, and not thinking about the things what she's always thinking about me.

I just want to tell i'm not trying, i'm just a normal good guy to anyone else. But everybody has his or her feelings and that wouldn't change in a minute.

I always said i follow my heart, but now i just remember i also follow the things and dreams what GOD gave me. Its something precious...because its not one time that he came to help me but all the time.

- (A day without you - 33) If there was a moment, you was stand there and thought about it

2009-10-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

Today i had another dream about her, i was a bit happy because she finally knows how she needs to do with everything what plays around her or things that she heard. She knows what they think about, but they didn't show up or do anything. I should said let it go like its going.

There's no need to overreact for them how they feel. Or do a lot of things to repair? That's not the way, you will just hurt more and more people. If i know there was 2 other girls that like me, i wouldn't do anything because is just better for me and for them. Maybe i would keep a bit distance, so they wouldn't think about that i like them. But sure we are still friends.

Maybe there are girls that like me, but i don't know. I think that is what most people will do, they wouldn't get hurt. I wouldn't get so much confusing about these things. Even i know so i have to know what i'm doing. Not let them think...They already acclimatize everything how its going now. They just need to know, that they need to go further and find another one...and not sticking here at one place.

The her that i see in my dream, she was doing the same like i told. Everything was going normal...And i'm happy for her and also for my self.

Every moment, i was standin still i'm a unhuman. I ever told my story in a youth class its about God... where did i got all the motivation and spirit to do things. I did tell them, there is still a long road that i need to walk i know there is alot of stones and rocks at this moment. But i could walk through, i want to prove my self that i can stand up and walk up again.

But where did i get the motivation and the spirit, many friends will thought parents? friends? or your brother? I didn't thought about them, the only one that i was thinking was her. She gave me the spirit and the motivation. I'm proud that she can gave me that a lot of spirit and motivation. Inclusive the feelings that i have still for her. At that moment we aren't lovers but i know there is still a connection. That i need to do better.

Like everybody knows me, i'm not scared to fall down so i didn't gave up my life. I just never give up. Maybe we would said many things in this world is impossible to reach or to get. Or something that she said really hurts me, that she confirm there's no chance. Sure i'm hurt but nothing is impossible.

Even a guy without legs and arms could live a normal live like a human, maybe there is something he can't do or get because he missin his limbs. But he is still standin up and trying. Many people would say let him/me die. But i know everyone deserve a chance to show them self that he can. I just want to show my self that i can...

At this moment i just stand still, i did thought about many things how its going. But its still not the way that i want to see, it doesn't matter. I know one day of my hard working i could also be succesfull. I know there is pain, nobody would know how this is feelin. Because i'm the one that made these times with her, only i can hurt so bad when i thought about it.

But is the way that you choose for it. My heart always tell me what i want and not the brains, not the others, not my friends, not my family or anyone in this world. My heart just tell me what i want...

Stand still and think about for one minute.....

Everytime when i thought about her and me, i just feel my emotions that is playing in my heart. Because my heart told me, that is what he and me really wants.

- (A day without you - 32) Happy...but also incredibly sad.

2009-10-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i was on phone with her, we have a talk for 6 hours...crazy but it was fun finally we can get a record of talking about many things. I was glad about it, but a lot of things i wasn't that happy. Like she already knows there is another that likes her. She didn't supposed to know.

She said she would like to do something back. I said what! i was a bit mad, what do you want to reach hurting him more, you don't even like him why doing stuffs back. That guy will think that she's liking him. There's no way she needs to do anything. Be normal i hope she can do it. I don't know but i'm really sad.

Today finally i saw her, i was happy like normal friends. Or good friends, i do...is just when i see the other couples they are having so much fun. I really do miss the times that i was with her. Deep in my heart my tears was droppin...But i do keep my self cool and normal. I also want to let her see i'm changed, i'm also a funny guy that you never met. A boy that also be a man. Showing my self.

I was glad when i could took pictures with her once again. But deep in my heart i was sad...and on the other side i was happy. I just miss the times the things that we had...seeing the other couples having so much fun and so happy. I really thought was things never changed!

I was happy with her, seeing her so happy i'm also proud. Her bestgirlfriend also a really good friend of mine. She just brought her great news, after 7 a 8 months she finally got what she wants. The boy she was fell in love, finally gave her a answer. I was really glad and happy for her. Because it doesn't matter how long the time takes. If they love eachother, once on a day they would get a answer.

It doesn't matter how long the time takes for me, because if there is love, than things would change. Only one thing i don't know when.

That really good friend of mine didn't gave up, she(good friend) was striving for what she(good friend) wants. I'm just like her(good friend) i never gave up for someone that i love. Even she told me, something that i also was sad about. But i know in future everything will change and the time will tell me. I'm not scared to wait...just wonder when my happy times will come.

I'm just glad for her(good friend), after so long time. That boy finally gave her(good friend) a answer that she(good friend) really was waiting for. I think her(good friend) life will change now to a new wonderfull life with many dreams and hopes. She(good friend) finally reach her(good friend) destination/mission. They finally know what they want, because they want to be together once again, it doesn't matter what in the past happened. They just want to try it once again. I was really happy for her(good friend), in my heart i did sneakey think about it, was it also happened to me.

Otherwise i was happy for my good friend. And on the other side i was sad for my self. Seeing what really true love is. Even there are so many people that likes her(good friend), but she(good friend) knows how to do, because she(good friend) knows who she(good friend) was loving.

Deep deep in my heart i hope that we could be once again lovers. But at this moment i couldn't think about it. I'm happy how it is, but deep deep in my heart i'm just incredibly sad. I just want to see her be Happy. I did what i can.

Seeing her so happy, that is something that i'm really happy about. The inside sadness, i think i really do miss her to death, just love her too much...Just want to be like past.

- (A day without you - 31) Everything will change...believe me

2009-10-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

Today, i hope we solve all the problems. First sure i'm glad that i'm still her really good friend. Because i made everything really clear. Even i was betrayed by the others, i was mad...really i hope she will also stands up for me.

I did change a lot. I'm not like the past, i really want to show my self to her who i am. Is just the way that she need to acclimatize it. The others i mean by, they was also my friends...but this time i need to think about it. I never thought it would be that difficult. I should give them second chance...but i know it's not the time.

Sadly that she already made her decision about many things. Anyway i don't mind, she is still young. Maybe many people will say she did or can think about many things. But about love...Love is something really wonderfull. I finally know what it means...but its a bit too late, but there are a lot time left.

Whenever i found my love, i wouldn't let it go so fast. Even in the past there happened a lot of things, i just wonder how the future would be. I didn't hope, i just want to bring my self... and that's who i'm. My heart didn't changed, only the way i'm doing.

Doesn't matter time is the best answer, feelings is the best answer. Seeing with her own eyes is the answer. Wan't to be happy? The future will show her. And not the way that she show her self.

I'm the one that could feel the things comin, strange huh? Like what she's thinking or what is coming up...its like that i have another sence. Its feels like she already plays a part in my life. I just don't know. The feelings are so strong...I didn't had that before for nobody else... maybe that's something god gave me. That is something really precious, so i did wonder what in the future will happening. The dreams that i got...

Ofcourse i care about the person i love...Maybe she will feel a bit different, but after all i want to treat her also like my best best friend. Other things i just let the future decide...Everything will come by them self, if we are belong to eachother.

Because in our life, every minute every second..... or every moment there are changin.

- (A day without you - 30) Why always me.....

2009-10-19T15:59:00.000-07:00

Today is my mom's birthday, why am i also sad on that day. Why it have to happen so many things that work against me. Why i am always the victim. I just almost forgot her birthday, but i didn't. And my hamster is also dead...why why why? i always need to ask why?

Why i am always the victim, why i'm always seeing as the bad guy. Why i got black painted and nobody would believe me. Why i'm so bad when i'm always telling the truth. Why i have to be like this. Why they don't believe me. Why i'm always the one that got hate.

I just can't believe it, i'm just a normal person that always tryin his best. Telling the truth and never lie to her. Why i'm still be the victim...I finally know why my left eye is still tipping, i know there's something going on. I know someone is talking about me...

Did you guys ever believe that your best friend never will betray you. Someone who's really nice can changed into a unhuman. That's the most scariest thing. But people who are honored and trustable they always be seen as a bad someone. Why i'm always be seen as the devil.

I could say i did nothing wrong, people could hate me. But i can swear to GOD i didn't lie. People always painting me black, what do they want to get what...painting someone black is already a big mistake. But they just can't see.

I did nothing wrong because i know what she don't like... i didn't hate i didn't say things to hurt them. Everything what i said is true...I just can't believe why i can be treat like this.

I wonder one day, that i'm also the good guy. That is still doing his best...

I didn't hate, i just wonder why its always me...i know there would be changing. I'm not happy to hear all those things that are not true. I just hope she also would understand me, why i feel like this. Would she like to stand up for me against the others. Wonder there was a day that i would be proud of.

After watching the serie stew of life, i do what true love is...

Because i already choose the one, there no other places for the others. Than you know you already found the one.

- (A day without you - Special) .....

2009-10-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

Today another special blog, because my feelings are so strong once again... After hearing so much today. I did want to stop all those things, how i feel what i want to do. But i know i can't...even she's not anymore my girl... I still feel she is.

Wonder why, when i picked up my phone i really want to call her. But everytime when you picked up your phone, i saw her name shall i call? What should i say...do you know that feelings? Its like you still like the one, she is special in your phone list. So at the end you didn't call, because i'm scared to say something that would turn into a silent conversation.

Ok i didn't call, so i thought about sms, shall i sms her and ask her what she is doin today? But at the end i didn't sms. Because maybe she wouldn't reply or she's thinking about something. It would be weird also. Ok i didn't sms...haha pussy he. No it just a bit different like friends.

At the end its not like i don't treat her like a friend, but is just the feeling that you have for her.
This week i'm very happy i could say, because she did treat me as friend...We laughed once again.

At msn i saw her name, really want to click on it. And want to ask how all the things are going? How she do...what she's doing tomorrow. Did she do something special today. Is her sore throat already better, did she drink some more water...Hope she's better now.

The past when i was with her, i was always waiting at the vacation i know in the vacation we can do a lot of happy things. Because during the schooldays she often get really busy. I absolutely don't mind. Because i was waiting for the vacation...with happy her.

I always thought i would forget her, but nooo.. because i know i can't. At this moment i'm glad that we still could be friends and building up our relation. Because i'm still the one that never changed.

Even we didn't talk alot, it doesn't mean we don't care about eachother. I need to show that i could be strong too. Everytime when i'm seeing her maybe the happiest moment of the day...even it was a sad day. I know the moment that i could see her is more than enough. Just always wonder about the great time, the wonderfull life.

Half year past without her by my side...it's really difficult to get through these time.

I hope the comin time will be a great great time!

- (A day without you - 29) Is there a ending?

2009-10-18T09:57:00.001-07:00

Today i could said i found out a lot of things, things that i didn't even want to know. That i just know about it. Left eye is still tipping, i know there are a lot of things comin in. But i'm not scared. After knowing the whole story from somewhere else, i did need to think about it.

I know the things, the things that was bothering me yesterday. But i would like to ask personally why it have to be like this. Even the day of today, i'm not weak, the emotions the feelings that still playing around me wouldn't get lost. Am i happy, i have to be...

In that one year that we are with eachother, i could tell a lot of things did happened. It was great, it was beautifull to be with her. But didn't thought it end it so fast... Why i have to tell these thing? Because i just can't delete it out of my mind. Even it was only a year. It was like ten years.

I think everybody should know whats going on. A couple that love at the first sight end in one year? I could say there are many problems in our relation. But i'll figure it out that at any relation they would have problems. Everytime i did said i finally find out how to do. But i don't know exactly how to do.

I just want to be with her. I just want to make her happy everyday, but i failed...Maybe this is the most wrong thing i did in my life. Let her go is my most biggest mistake. Even kind of people didn't see her good side at all. But i do, i accepted who she are...Ofcourse i have angry times, but another mistake that i didn't tell her. I would like to tell her now, even she made a mistake or something i don't like i really really want to tell her.

After hearing a lot of things, i realize how to do many things. Everytime when you read you'll think i'm the saddest? Noo, i just know how to do, i know there would be a end coming. One day maybe other guy would replace me. I'm not happy at all, but i would be very happy for her. I really hope that the guy its me.

After so many up and downs, i know i should stop it. But if the contact is losing, i know that would be a another mistake. Taking time is the best option. I know when anybody love someone it couldn't get lost so fast. Because we all know who we love the most. Even we are hating the guy or girl. There is still something you can't delete.

Wonder at one day, you want to see him or hear him once again? I just forgot the photobook at her place, our good memories. Whenever i made it open i just saw our times...tears dropping of enjoy. Even i didn't have it at home, i could realize its here and watchin in it. always askin my self why it have to be like this. What its going on...The cards that i have...

I'm proud of my self what i'm doing. There is no second life...you have to know what you're doing. I just watched a TVB serie episode called stew of life. I really wonder what love means: i already told you, you want her be lucky, healthy and happy. I don't think its enough.

I want to say something: i could do everything for her even it cost my own life.

Many people would think, humm you're crazy. But i could tell them i'm not. Whenever you really find your love that you want to keep for the rest of your life. Keep it, even you don't know at this moment. I know you will know it later.

Christmas, almost christmas time...every season we did made a lot of great times. Wonder why it goes like this. I really really don't know anymore. Just keep my eyes closed, happy times streaming streaming everywhere...that's i called love. Even i know it was sad and bad...but there's no more! i know no one could replace her.

Just dreaming how the coming Christmas would be...Maybe i'm not that great, just a weakling or pussy. Maybe i'm, but i never treat my self like that. I know everyone has/her moments.

At the end i just want to know who she has in her heart. And i already have the answer...Is it the same like mine?

Artist: Yiruma
Song: Love Me

- (A day without you - 28) Should i be happy...

2009-10-17T15:02:00.001-07:00

Today i just went to chinese school, but before i woke up, i just had another dream. I'm not lying about my dreams. I just wonder in my dreams why i gave her pinks roses instead of red roses. I did dream about her once again.

But my dream told me what it means, Pink roses means: Happy and luck and red roses are confessing your love to her. But i was just seeing pink roses, i think i don't have the guts anymore to give her red roses. I just only want to see her be happy and lucky...

It was really a sad dream, even i don't know what the ending is. I just will find out by my self.

At school, i was late i didn't greet her but in the break i did. Finally we had a normal conversation at chinese school. Haha wonder when it will comes. Just a beginning glad to hear about it right?

At the end of the schoolday, hummm sure something is botherting me... seeing things that i don't want to see. But i can't forbid them. Because we all have our privacy and freedom. So i just let it go. But i still know what's happening...want to know what i know? You will know untill i confirmed.

I'm happy and glad about today, that we could be like friends... Really happy that she's comin outside with us. When i was at the fair with them, i wasn't be proud to stand there...i know a lot of good memories are streaming into my head. When i was next to her, i really want to hold her once again in my arms. And her parfume so addicting! But i know i can't and it couldn't. Is just a dream that was streaming in my head. But the reality is different.

In the cinema i wasn't sitting next to her, i didn't mind but if i can sit next to her it would be great. But i know i'm not her something or else. Haha crazy things are streaming in my mind, wonder the days that i went with her to a horror film and sitting next to her. Even i wasn't full concentrating of the film but still know what the film talks about. Just a bit daydreaming...There was also a lot of romantic scenes, wonder why? it supposed to be a horror...also remember about the good times.

I still do really care about her, but i know there's nothing. After all it was a great day, but there is something that really really bothers me...But i don't know if its a true or a lie. When i know more i'm sure i would like to tell. Happy or unhappy is just my choice... I was happy i really was, but after all i wasn't that happy...anyway need to confirm something...

Hope tomorrow i will get the answer...

Anyway at least i'm really happy that she finally can treat me as a friend, but it still feel not the fullest still a bit embarassing...

- (A day without you - 27) Tipping...something will happen? Tell me..

2009-10-16T04:30:00.000-07:00

Title wouldn't be given yet, i just want to put down something for today before i forget. I just did have a another dream with her, i really have to thank god that i often get those dreams. Because its always like real. Not all the time happy, but the last few dreams that i got was great.

Dream: Let me tell a short scene, she was there with little nephew and i also was there. Ofcourse we have a great time witheachother. Didn't rememer at all but we went to swimming.. After all we were all just walking, i was left next to her and her nephew right to her.

Suddenly she's putting left hand behind her back. She put her palm of the hand not on her back but she show it to me and moving her fingers a little bit. So catch her hand with my hand. I did feel the warmth once again in my body, the love that i had. It was like that wow so real...but the dream was more a undercover love. But i didn't mind...because i was there for her, she was there for me.

You know why it was a undercover love, because one of her relative was picking her little nephew up. And we just swing off our hands. I also didn't mind we just smile to eachother! Because i know i have her and she has me!

I always like to share my dreams, so i just can read it one more time and have the feelings back. Most people didn't remember what they had dreamed about, but my dreams are so strong. That i could tell you what i dreamed about it. It's often about her i'm really happy with it.

Just a very happy beginning of the day, later of the day i would tell you more about today.

In the afternoon i speak to her at msn, it was ok...and i'm glad. I'm wondering why my left eye is still tipping. I still wonder that something wrong will going on. I hope its not something bads... Because it is not tipping for one day.

I know its something it have to made with family, or her, or bestfriends. I hope everybody will tell whats going on, the bads things, and tell them how to solve. But because the sensitive of mine wouldn't be wrong. Just warn eachother to protect them self.

I really hope that nothing wrong will be happen to anyone. To family, and especially her. I really don't know but it tells me something, it just keep bothering me. Warn you're self not to do anything wrong...protect you're self from the others.

Even she's not by my side anymore. I would still be the star to protect her if she needs me. Because its still something a guy needs to do. Hope the tipping will be gone in these days. Just didn't feel good or someone could tell me.

Anyway today it was great, happy...Looking forward for tomorrow, wonder what kind of day it would be.